Hong Kong Young Writers Anthologies Fiction 4567 | Page 135

ABOUT. WHY DO I HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS AGAIN. WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE
THIS?
“Xiao Lung” he whispered. All my anger, at God, at the rival triad, at him, suddenly disappeared, replaced by a
sense of fear. I can not lose another person who is valuable in my life. I just cannot.
“Please Jiao Hao….Please….Don’t die. I...I...can’t lose you. I need you. Pl...please don’t die.” I remembered what
I said as my voice broke, while I was looking at his pale face, where bright red blood has started to flow from his
mouth. He somehow managed a smile as he looked at me and said, with all his might,
“X….Xiao Lung, I…..I will always be there for you...u, s…..supporting you. Don’t live in the pas….sst. It will
only drag you down. Goodbye, X...Xiao Lung.” He smiles one last time, before closing his eyes.
Why did he do it? I screamed and screamed. The inner me wants to be vaporized at the moment. Why must I
relived this moment. I should be the one to die. He was so stupid. I wished I could go back in time. To save him.
To let that bullet kill me instead.
He left me at a time when I needed him the most, at a time when I was vulnerable. He died to save me. Why?
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I approach my apartment door. It has been 89 years since my parents died, robbing me of parental love. It has been
67 years since I came to Hong Kong, fleeing the Communist rule. And for 80 long years, I have been avoiding him.
Denying his death. In fact, denying that he ever existed. I did not want it to be real. I wanted to hide from it, so
I won’t feel the pain. For years, I successfully hid it. In front of my friends, my partners, the public. But inside me,
I knew something was not right. I could hide from it, but I will never be able to run from it. I have to accept it
now.
I ransacked my storage room, looking for the bloodied letter. The letter he wrote for me, which I have never open
for 78 years. I have to know now, what he wrote, if I want to face the future. As I went through years and years
worth of memories, reminding me of the past. The time I went to United States. The time I had a stable
relationship with the girl I thought was the one. The time I graduated, well overage, after years of hard work and
studying. Then I see it. The letter with red splattered everywhere. My hands started to tremble. My eyes starts
welling up. Words can not describe what I am feeling right now. As I opened the letter, with my wobbly hands,
I could not stop thinking about his last words, aas he laid dying. “Xiao Lung, I will always be there for you,
supporting you. Don’t live in the past. It will only drag you down. Goodbye, Xiao Lung” Droplet of water was
running down my face. The letter was written in Chinese, in the tone of Shanghainese. I begin to read with a shaky
mind:
My dear Xiao Lung,
How long has it been since we properly had a conversation? This fight of ours seems trivial, with all the triad wars
going on. Look, I am sorry for my different views. I just wanted you to be safe. If you want to join Green Gang
to avenge your father death, it’s up to you. I will support you all the way, just like everything we did in the past.
Just stay safe and happy.
Anyway, the reason why I wanted to write this letter is to tell you about my decision. I have decide to move away
from Shanghai. I feel it’s too unsafe for me. I also want to further my studies for the future. I want to go to Beijing
University. Beijing is much more safe compared to Shanghai. Also I don’t have to deal with the unruly gwailo ,
who has taken away the spirit of the city from us. I hope you will support me in my decision. Could we meet up
sometime before I move? I really want talk to you one more time before I leave. I fear it will be hard to talk after
that, since I don’t know when I will come back. I also want to make things right with you. While I am gone, I will
really miss you. Remember, I will always be there for you, supporting you.
Your best friend,
Jiao Hao