Feb 23 , 2020 4:42 pm
The afternoon was unusually chilly .
“ Nick , you of all people should understand me . I need someone who I can rely on my entire life ! I don ’ t want to end up like my parents ! I love you but I don ’ t know anymore Nick , I don ’ t know anymore . Now you lie to me , break your promises , and show no effort to get into the same college as me . I need someone responsible , but are you really the right person for me ?”
Emily ’ s words stung me . It had never occurred to me she would ever say something like this to me . Lying and breaking promises ? Was that what it all seemed like to her ? I didn ’ t tell her so she wouldn ’ t be worried about me , and of course I was trying hard to be accepted by the same colleges as her ! So hard in fact that I had been sleeping 5 hours a day for the past three weeks to finish my program . And here she was , denying all of my effort in a few sentences . I felt the pain of betrayal , the pain of a loved one turning their back on me . I felt anger rising in me , like a wildfire , burning wildly and fiercely .
“ Five years , Emily , five years ! Think about all I ’ ve done for you ! You still don ’ t understand me .” I punched the wall next to me . As angry as I was , I would never hurt Emily . “ What makes ...”
“ Nick , I do understand you . I see right through you , all the pretenses and lies you tell me . I know that you love me , but this is not how I want to be loved .” “ Then what do you want me to do ? I ’ ve been trying my best , always so loyal , but ...” “ You have to choose , Nick . Between me and your programming . It ’ s either me or that app of yours . If you want me , you need to let go of your app and start showing effort in academics . Give me your answer by tomorrow midnight .” She turned and left alone . I stood solitary in the cold as her words made sense to me and collapsed me mentally and physically . I walked home slowly in the cold wind .
Feb 24 , 2020 10:20 am
I decided not to go to school . I stayed at home in bed and thought . Luckily , my parents were out of Shanghai , so I was undisturbed . I thought about the first time I had met Emily ; I thought about how nervous I was when I first asked her out ; I thought about every movie we went to ; I thought about the first meal we ate together . I thought about the first time I saw all her inner struggles , when she showed me the complete true Emily .
One . Bang . Two . Bang . Three . Bang . Four . Bang . Crack . Her locked bedroom door burst open . I bolted into her room , but froze when I saw her . Emily was leaning against the corner of her room , and her wrist was bleeding . No , no , no , no . I fumbled for my phone and dialed 911 .
I could still remember so clearly , how I was the only person waiting for her outside the ER . I could still recall exactly what she told me in the school the day she finally came back .
She walked in , and without looking at me , sat down right next to me . “ How did you know ? Why did you save me ?” She paused for a few seconds , and as if unsure of what she was about to say , looked right into my eye . “ Thank you .”
“ I ’ ve been observing you and asking your best friend about you . I knew something has been going on for the past few weeks . Kylie told me you weren ’ t picking up , which you never do , so I ran to your house just to check on you . I knew you would regret it ; you ’ re too good for ... death .” Emily looked me in the eye and said , “ Find me after school in the garden .” I took another swig of Jack Daniels , waiting for the alcohol to muddle my mind , but my thoughts were still so clear . It was that afternoon she told me everything about her — her parents divorce , her grades dropping , her helplessness and hopelessness . I always thought of her as a cheerful , bright girl , but it was that afternoon I saw her inner conflicts . That was also when she let me into her life . Yet now she was kicking me out of her life . I remembered one of the first things she told me when we first got together . “ I want stability , someone I can rely on , someone the opposite of my dad . Can you be that person , Nick ?” I ’ ve always been , I thought to myself . These past few months I ’ ve been programming hour after hour just to get into a good college , to become the reliable person she wanted in her life , but she asked me to choose . It was the right choice . When I finally succeed and become the man she wants , she ’ ll understand me , and then we ’ ll get back together . I sent her the message . “ Let ’ s break up , Emily .” I gulped down the last few drops of alcohol and slept like the dead .