Confessions of a Cat Sitter
Chris Pascoe is the author of A Cat Called Birmingham & You Can Take the Cat Out of Slough , and a columnist for various UK & international magazines .
He ’ s also a cat sitter …
I ’ ve just been looking after a cat named Derek who appears to be owned by a computer program .
Prior to Derek ’ s two week booking , I hadn ’ t actually had the opportunity to meet his owner Simon , as Simon insisted that he send instructions by email and leave his key in a safe place for collection . Whilst these arrangements weren ’ t ideal , Simon was quite keen not to meet me so that at least seemed normal .
On my first visit to Derek ’ s , things went well from the start – I set off the burglar alarm on entry and tripped headlong over a rug whilst desperately trying to reach the alarm ’ s control panel . I therefore met Derek face to face on the floor , and he seemed to very much appreciate this , rubbing round my face and purring loudly . Sometimes entering a property like Norman Wisdom on roller-skates can really break the ice . After spending a long time stroking and making friends with the wonderful Derek , I drifted into a bit of a daydream . Quite a shock then , when I suddenly heard a voice from upstairs calling Derek ’ s name . Derek shot down off my lap , skidded around the corner and bounded up the stairs .
‘ Hello ?’ I called , ‘ Is somebody home ? It ’ s Chris , the catsitter ?’
‘ Hello Chris ,’ came the reply , ‘ No , I ’ m not home .’
The voice clearly seemed to be mistaken .
‘… you ’ re not home ?’
‘ No !’ replied the voice , this time from just behind me .
Jumping out of my skin , I swung
round to see a man beaming happily at me from a computer screen .
‘ It ’ s good to finally meet you ’ said Simon from an internet connection somewhere in America . At this point I spotted a web-cam focusing in on me . Had I known I ’ d be meeting anybody but cats today , I ’ d probably have brushed my hair , but I knew Simon would be far too polite to mention my disheveled state .
‘ Are you okay Chris , you look rather disheveled ? Have you just got out of bed .’
‘ No , I eh , I … always look like this .’ ( Wrong answer – where the hell did that come from ?)
After the initial shock of our first meeting , Simon turned out to be compelling television for Derek . Simon ’ s voice would suddenly call from various parts of the house and he ’ d run straight for the sound like Pavlov ’ s Dog . I ’ d then sit watching in the background as Derek sidled and brushed around Simon ’ s screen image , purring happily to himself . And that ’ s how things went for the next two weeks . Derek seemed barely to perceive Simon was away , such was his interaction with the ingenious network of screens .
As I left the house after my last visit , my phone rang . It was Simon .
‘ Chris , I can ’ t believe you left without straightening my curtains – that ’ s the third day running .
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People will know I ’ m away because I ’ m not nearly as untidy as you .’ The subtlety of genius , eh ? Strangely , when I next walked past the house a week later , I couldn ’ t help but notice Simon ’ s face on a screen visible from the window . There was Derek , sitting in front of it . Simon was still on the screen ? Does ‘ Simon ’ really exist I wondered , or does he only ever appear on computer screens ? Just then Simon ’ s face swung round and looked directly at me through the window . I shuddered slightly and walked quickly away into the night .
I now firmly believe Derek to be the genius here and that he somehow used those nimble little paws to ‘ write ’ himself an owner . And , it ’ s beliefs like this that go a long way to explaining why I ’ m still clearing out litter trays for a living .
Now available on Amazon Confessions of a Catsitter : The Columns https :// www . amazon . co . uk / dp / B017NT7LGQ / ref = rdr _ kindle _ ext _ tmb
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