I know. I am a small name.
The day Matt Lauer lost his job I experienced a tad bit of anger. This may sound odd, but my anger came from the sudden realization that only these big names get to deal with big consequences. The everyday man or woman out there watching and waiting for the young, innocent child may one day go to jail. Possibly slapped with a couple years, and let out of jail in nine months. They will then seek their next victim. The cycle carries on. I know because I was one child in the cycle.
Right now, as I write this, voices continue to rise from every side. Support for women, frustration that women waited so long to speak out, the fact that women’s behavior ‘eggs’ this sort of thing on, the fact that men must learn boundaries, self-control, and integrity, keep coming. I have read comments, articles, and opinions repeatedly. Some days it is best to hold back commenting on something you do not know, have not experienced, and do not have facts about.
I concluded I needed to stop reading what other people had to say on this, and then one more article came across my screen. It was an apology on behalf of all men, to all women, humbly titled, “A Plea to Women for Forgiveness” by Michael John Cusick.
My first impression was ‘here we go with another blanket apology for the harm men do, can we move on now’ letter…but as I read each word, I began to cry. As I cried, I changed the words ‘woman’ or ‘women’ to the words ‘girl’ or ‘girls’.
This apology from a stranger hit me like waves. I was drowning by the emotion I felt at its content. I have never applied anything I have read on the internet to my personal story of sexual abuse. Therefore, his apology, though never intended for me, struck something deep inside. I was overwhelmed. I may never hear a true apology from the man who owes me one, but the words of Mr. Cusick, were probably some of the most beautiful words in apology I have ever read.
How does a young girl, or a woman, overcome such traumatic abuse and a sick man’s need to have an object to control sexually? I am not sure. I dedicate every day to trusting the Lord in that recovery. It is a process. Just when you think it is truly gone, you find one word or memory that makes it alive all over again. Reading Mr. Cusick’s apology letter was one of those nights. However, the sincerity I read in his article touched my heart; I felt a certain peace afterwards. I could trust what he wrote.
I have had to forgive repeatedly, and never have I heard an apology and probably never will. I am fully content with this. I live in obedience to the Lord, not in bondage to a man.
I am not a prisoner. I broke out long ago.
The words I read reminded me of the bars I once lived behind and the chains I could not break. I have spent so much time forgiving, I think I forgot I was the victim, and it is ok to say the word victim. I used to pride myself on not using that word, as though it indicated the abuse made me weak and pathetic. However, the abuser is weak, guilty, and carries the shame.