61
4.2 Regulation and stabilisation
By ‘ regulate ’ we mean the capacity to adjust our inner state so that it matches the situation here and now . Children are born with a sensitive alarm system and an under-developed self-regulation system . They need a close relationship with an adult to build their capacity to self-regulate . A child that is traumatised as a result of sexual abuse needs this assistance even more .
We call the cooperation that adults provide ‘ co-regulation ’.
4.2.1 Co-regulation . “ Remember to put on your oxygen mask first .”
To meet the needs of the child , the helper ( or caregiver ) must be regulated and present . Coregulation occurs when a caregiver uses his or her active and safe presence to help a stressed child to calm down . Through different senses , the adult ’ s calmness transfers to the child . As in a dance , two people move together in the same rhythm , but the adult leads and gives structure and direction . Through such care experiences , the child gradually develops a capacity to self-regulate and learns to tolerate stress without being overwhelmed . Many abused and mistreated children experience co-dysregulation . Rather than receiving help from its parents to calm down , the child has had to find its own ways to manage emotions and pain . Such children may not believe that adults can be helpful and trustworthy . Their experience is that adults have only made things worse . Some ways they find to reduce their discomfort may include daydreaming , overeating and self-harm .
It can be demanding to provide children who have been traumatised with new experiences that are associated with positive co-regulation . Children whose behaviour is challenging or aggressive provoke reactions in those who care for them , that make the children more anxious . “ Putting your own oxygen mask on first ” is therefore important . Children exposed to repeated stress and lack of support struggle to express emotions and needs effectively , which can confuse caregivers . Helpers and caregivers are also led by their own experiences : it is in situations where they feel scared or inadequate that the most automatic responses occur .
” Children exposed to repeated stress and lack of support struggle to express emotions and needs effectively , which can confuse caregivers .
Helpers and caregivers are also led by their own experiences : it is in situations where they feel scared or inadequate that the most automatic responses occur .”
HELP AND ACTION
EXERCISE
Workshop exercise Aim . To get in touch with the feeling of fear . Instructions .
• Can you recall a situation in which you were afraid or felt terror ?
• How did you feel ? How did your body feel ? How did you react ?
• What did you need from others ? What made the situation worse ? What actions helped you to return to a peaceful state ?
• Ask the participants if they would like to share their experiences with the group .