Her Culture Bi-Monthy Magazine August/September 2015 | Page 23

O

n a daily basis, I struggle with balancing my

pride and identity as a Filipino (or Asian, in general)
with my individuality and sense of independence as
an American. I was born in America. My parents
emigrated from the Philippines in their late 20s. They
had a daughter, then I was born thirteen months
later and finally my younger brother six years later.
Now at 20 years old, I’m able to see how my
siblings, fellow Filipino American peers, and I have
succeeded (or failed) to come to terms with our dual
identities.
Kapwa (fellow being): “feeling intrinsically connected
to each other interpersonally, spiritually, and
emotionally.”
The proclaimed father of Filipino psychology, Virgilio
G. Enriquez, delves into the mechanism of kapwa:
The ako (ego) and the iba-sa-akin (others) are one in
the same in kapwa psychology: Hindo ako iba sa
aking (I am no different from others). Once ako starts
thinking of himself as separate from kapwa, the
Filipino “self” gets to be individuated in the Western
sense and, in effect denies the status of kapwa to
the other.” (Enriquez, 1978)
Enriquez describes kapwa as a mutual status
between the self and others. When one does not
identify with the value of kapwa, he or she
simultaneously denies others the sense of kapwa to
that individual. Enriquez refers to this misidentification
as similar to a Western way of living. For Filipinos,
they may preserve strong connections to their family
and peers in order to maintain a valued Filipino way
of living. But for Filipino Americans, the result can be
a constant conflict between tugging away and
grasping at the threads of such connections.
Upon first learning about kapwa, I was reminded of
two phrases my mom tends to say to me when she
perceives me to be defiant or “acting out of place”:

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“Sino ka ba sa tingin mo?” and “As if you are
somebody”. The first translates to “Who do you think
you are?”, and the second can be clarified as “As if
you are somebody who has the right to act this way
(defiantly or “out of place”).”
I should clarify that I get a good telling-off when I
confront my mom about her treating me unfairly,
insulting me, or trying to control my lifestyle. As a
20-year-old one year away from graduating college, I
do perceive myself to be an adult in the sense that I
deserve respectful treatment from other human
beings, even my mother. So I do, respectfully, call
her out on her behavior when I feel I’ve been denied
decency. I feel discomforted doing so, because I
have a sense of obligation to her as a parent that
has given me a life of safety and opportunity. I work
towards a successful life in order to represent my
parents in an honorable way as a Filipino. But as an
American, I do want to “individuate myself in the
Western sense” because I am Western. I am of
American nationality.
So I ask my mom, “Please listen to me. Please don’t
walk away when I’m trying to talk to you.” I tell her, “I
get very hurt when you make negative comments
about my body.” I disagree with her, “I think I’m
mature enough to dictate my actions within my own
relationship.” And she responds with a scowl, “Sino
ka ba sa tingin mo?” or “As if you are somebody.”
“Who do you think you are?” means How dare you
challenge the conformity? We are a part of a
collective that does not talk back to elders as a rule.
You are not an individual, you are part of us. Who
am I to talk back? Why would I get special
treatment? Why do I demand respect, and from my
parents? “Sino ka ba sa tingin mo?” is not a
question so much as a scoff: As if you matter above
others, as if you have the right to demand we treat
you a certain way, as if you are somebody.