the things you can ’ t control , focus on the things you can . Figure out what the real problem is , then devise a strategy to get around it .
THREE STEPS FOR FORMING A HABIT THAT ISN ’ T REWARDING
1 ) Identify your barriers
The first step is self-awareness . Ask yourself what it really is that you don ’ t enjoy about the activity .
For meditation , I realized that the amount of time I was expecting to devote to it ( 20 minute ) was just too much . Since I didn ’ t find it rewarding , it was always the first thing to fall off the bottom of my to-do list .
Another reason I found meditation frustrating is that every time my mind would wander it felt like a mini failure , like I wasn ’ t doing it right . This made me feel discouraged that I wasn ’ t making progress .
For flossing , I realized that I hated putting my fingers in my mouth . After a few teeth were flossed the string would get slimy and sticky , and I would want to stop and clean off my cheeks and fingers multiple times during a session . Gross .
2 ) Research solutions
Step two is actively seeking solutions to the barriers you ’ ve identified .
For meditation , I took what I know about tiny habits and applied it to my time problem . Instead of making myself sit still for 20 minutes , I started by sitting with my eyes closed and taking a few deep breaths each morning . Even I have time for that , and was able to keep it up without a problem .
My tiny habit was a huge step in getting myself used to taking a time-out to focus on my breath , but it didn ’ t solve the frustration of longer sessions .
To get through this barrier , I had to learn more about the process of meditation . For this I read books , tried different apps , and spoke with people who meditate regularly .
I quickly learned that my problem of feeling like I was failing is incredibly common among new meditators ( phew , it isn ’ t just me ). I also discovered a handful of new strategies to reduce the feeling of failure . This led to the most helpful insight I had about meditation : that the failures ARE the practice , and success is simply practicing regularly .
This allowed me to let go of the judgement I felt during every session , and ironically made it easier for me to maintain concentration for longer . Meditation became far less tedious and more rewarding .
For flossing I was less active about finding a solution , and as a consequence it took way longer to solve . Fortunately though , a friend had a similar problem and told me his dentist recommend a simple device that allowed you to floss easily without having to put your fingers in your mouth . It isn ’ t anything fancy , just a more sturdy version of the single use flossers that normally don ’ t work very well .
For 10 bucks I solved a problem that I had ignored for 30 years . I now floss at least once a day , sometimes twice . I want to kick myself for taking so long to figure this out .
3 ) Follow through to experience indirect rewards
Steps 1 & 2 are about removing barriers , but the reward doesn ’ t come until you follow through .
I won ’ t pretend that I love the process of meditating or flossing . I don ’ t . What I love is the feeling of doing something that improves my life and is good for me . Instead of direct pleasure , it ’ s more about getting away from a state that I know I don ’ t enjoy . These are indirect rewards .
The best analogy I can think of is a shower . Yes it can feel nice to stand naked in warm running water , but for me the greatest reward of showering is simply no longer feeling dirty . I love for my face to feel clean , my hair to feel shiny and soft , my skin to smell subtly of peppermint . Before a shower I feel sticky and lethargic . After a
shower I feel refreshed and energized .
Similarly , when I go for too long without meditating my brain starts to feel cloudy and congested . After I have meditated I feel clear and calm , and better able to do the things I love to do .
Now that I floss regularly , brushing alone doesn ’ t make my teeth feel clean enough . Because these rewards are indirect — they do not come as a result of the habit itself , but of counteracting the effect of inaction — you can only feel the benefit after significant repetition .
This is why removing barriers for difficult habits is so important . You have to repeat the action enough for it to actually become rewarding . And to do that it has to be easy .
In my experience , healthy habits in general have strong indirect rewards . For example , I love the taste of Real Food , but I often choose these healthier foods specifically because I don ’ t want to feel foggy and lethargic after eating , as I inevitably do after eating processed foods . And sometimes I ’ m not in the mood for exercise , but I know that I will feel better afterward even if it ’ s hard . Indirect rewards are elusive , but if deep down you believe you can benefit from an action then it ’ s worth going through the process of figuring out a solution . It ’ s not easy , but it works .
Darya Rose is the author of Foodist : Using Real Food and Real Science to Lose Weight Without Dieting and creator of Summer Tomato ( summertomato . com ), one of TIME ' s 50 Best Websites . She received her Ph . D in neuroscience from UCSF and her bachelor ’ s degree in Molecular and Cell Biology from UC Berkeley .
15