The journey was long , full of tearful days and frustrated prayers , small victories and painful setbacks , returning fear and fear subsiding — yet in all I kept my eyes on the Lord and watched the power of fear slowly lose its grip on me , day-by-day , week-byweek , and month-by-month .
During the spring of 2019 , I was going through the worst season of my life . My mental health had spiraled out of control , leaving me with near-constant anxiety and fear . From the time I woke up to the time I put my head down to rest , I was assaulted repeatedly with fear everywhere I went — as I walked to class , as I studied , as I chatted with friends , as I ate , as I went to church , and as I prayed . The fear was like a tornado , swiftly laying near-destruction to everything in its path . Soon it ripped through my faith , leaving me in despair and desperately far from the Lord .
It was during this time that I penned the first part of this poem . A raw and unanswered heart ’ s cry to the Lord , I was hesitant to submit it to Cornerstone . The poem sounded hopeless . It didn ’ t point to the Gospel . It had no resolution — but it felt inauthentic to write in one that I had not yet experienced . I would not have been surprised if my poem had been tabled rather than published . Yet in Cornerstone ’ s Spring
2020 issue , there it was — a starkly honest piece steeped in unresolved pain .
Despite my inability at the time to offer any resolution to the questions and pain expressed in the first part of this poem , I had faith — even in the midst of these questions and pain — that one day I would . It was that mustard seed of faith that began the long journey of victory that would make the second part of this poem possible . In the depths of my fear I locked eyes on the Lord and trusted in His faithfulness to lead me through life ’ s darkest valleys . The journey was long , full of tearful days and frustrated prayers , small victories and painful setbacks , returning fear and fear subsiding — yet in all I kept my eyes on the Lord and watched the power of fear slowly lose its grip on me ,
day-by-day , week-by-week , and month-by-month .
Through the wilderness of my fear , I came to know and love God more deeply . Though I had the faith to trust that God would lead me through this valley , at the time my understanding and love for God was off-center and deficient . So while God led me through the dark valley , helping me to overcome fear ( as He continues to do ), He also used the valley to rescue me from that shallow faith . He brought me back to the cross , teaching me Christ crucified and Christ in me and Christ for me . Through the wilderness , through the darkest valley , Christ was there to bring me into His arms .
Mikaela Carillo is a senior at Brown studying Public Health . 13