or may sim‐ ply be pushed until he or she gives in . If the partner uses physical force to get sex even once , the victim knows she has no real choice .
The line between violence and safety can be especially blurry during sex . If an abuser insists on sexual activities that a woman says she does not want , or handles her sexually in a way she has said she does not want , or gets her drunk or high so she will do things she does not want to do , then he is victimising her sexually . A woman will often give her partner the benefit of the doubt if painful acts occur during sex . She decides to define the actions as passion rather than violence ; this allows her to avoid a risky confrontation .
People who use coercive control against partners can go out of their way to seem charming and helpful to others . The person being controlled , meanwhile , struggles to keep up appearances afraid to talk about what is really going on in their relationship . Victims tend to blame themselves as well : If only she could “ be better ,” she thinks , maybe her partner wouldn ’ t degrade or hurt her . If she tries to end the relation‐ ship or demands changes , the threats escalate .
Coercive control can be hard to recognise . It is important to take stock of the ways one is being controlled . Sometimes abusers can change ; however , more commonly , an abuser ' s grip tightens over time and the person being controlled be‐ comes less and less free . Domestic-violence advocates help people who are being controlled develop safety plans , even if they are not physically abused and choose to remain in the relationship . It is crucial to remember that physical , psycho‐ logical , and social recovery is possible . Relationships can make people stronger — and no one should have to stay in a relationship that makes them sick .
Lisa Aronson Fontes ,
Ph . D ., is a Senior Lecturer at the University of Massachusetts Amherst , and author of numerous publications including the books : Invisible Chains :
Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship , Interviewing Clients Across Cultures , and
Child Abuse & Culture : Working with Diverse Families . She has dedicated two decades to making the mental health , criminal justice , and social service systems more responsive to culturally diverse people . Fluent in Spanish and Portuguese , Dr . Fontes is a popular trainer , consultant , and speaker for audiences around the world .