The Need for Approval and Emotional Intimacy
Perhaps you ’ ve just finished a project around the house that you ’ ve worked on for weeks . Up until the last minute , the project was looking great and your partner seemed impressed by your ability to pull it off .
At that last minute , though , you decided to make what you thought would be a slight improvement , adding some extra decorative details . Rather than applaud your efforts , your partner now says the whole thing is ruined . Deflated , you retreat to a corner of your home for a few hours of selfsoothing .
What if , instead of taking this criticism to heart , you decided that it ’ s your partner whose taste is to be questioned ? After all , the project was your own brainchild and you are happy with it . Your partner will just have to deal and , more than likely , will come around to your point of view and regard it with appreciation .
The Need for Approval and Emotional Intimacy
According to Brigham Young University ’ s Amber Price and colleagues ( 2023 ), people are driven by a strong desire for belonging that , “ may at times lead them to seek others ’ approval in ways that , though well-intentioned , may weaken their sense of self ”.
This , in turn , can lead to “ self-silencing ” in which an individual stifles the expression of “ personal thoughts and feelings in hopes of winning another person ’ s favour . It ’ s no surprise that the dilemma created when you ’ re constantly seeking approval would therefore limit your capacity for intimacy . If you can ’ t express your true self with the person who is supposed to be closest to you , the relationship is bound to suffer .
Returning to the home project situation , that last decorative detail you added may indeed have been a reflection of your own creativity in choosing a particular colour or little flourish . If you feel that you ’ ve now lost your partner ’ s approval of you , though , the next time you set about on a similar enterprise , you ’ ll feel that you ’ ll need to check with your partner every step of the way .
An “ externalised self-perception ,” as the BYU researchers propose , weakens an individual ’ s identity and , by extension , the individual ’ s ability to develop deep emotional intimacy . Fearful of disapproval , you ’ ll keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself . In the case of the home project , not only may you feel crushed by your partner ’ s reaction , but you ’ ll also keep your frustration and disappointment to yourself .