HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY RESOLVE CONFLICT WITH AN ANGRY CLIENT
Marital & Family Law Section �������������������� ��������������������������
As Elizabeth Kenny said,“ He who angers you, conquers you.”
Your client may become upset with the opposing party, or it could be you when the bill arrives. Anger is contagious, so learn how not to catch it!
Anger is an alarm in our brain when it perceives some threat— our mind and body to go into protection mode. Our amygdala in the limbic system sends instant messages to our body to create chemicals like adrenalin which give our muscles and heart a big boost so we can react to danger. We can’ t stop being angry— however we can pause to respond to our anger and reverse the auto-response. Everyone at times has legitimate feelings of hostility in challenging situations.
Our goal is to consciously respond— not instinctively react. If your client gets you to react in anger, you lose credibility. As Elizabeth Kenny said,“ He who angers you, conquers you.” When we allow our anger to rule our reasoning, we lose our ability to make logical decisions. That’ s when we make“ the greatest speeches we’ ll ever regret!” We give away our power when we get hijacked by anger.
Here’ s a proven strategy to resolve conflict with an angry client, or anyone else who pushes your buttons.
Use this acronym for this 8-step strategy: HARD LOVE.
1. Halt
Stop yourself from saying anything until you heard the complete statement, while consciously breathing slowly.
2. Anger Control Direct your mind to your body’ s physical sensations such as tightness in the neck or chest, or muscle tenseness. Once you become cognizant of your body’ s reaction, your logical mind regains power.
3. Reverse Reverse the body’ s physical auto-reaction through awareness. Deliberately breathe into your body’ s tenseness until you are centered. You still have not said a single word to the‘ attacker’ yet.
4. Disengage
Now that you have detached physically, your logical mind can focus on the issues. Just because your client says something offensive doesn’ t mean it is true. Don’ t be defensive. Release any need to be right. If you don’ t engage, the fight has ended. He / she cannot control you if you don’ t get upset.
5. Listen Actively
Listen to every word without resistance— it doesn’ t mean you agree! Don’ t prepare your response.
Non-contentious listening deflects hostility and gives you potent information to transform hostility.
6. Openly Mirror
Restate in a neutral tone, what was said. For example:“ You stated that you were upset because you feel the bill was high.” By mirroring, you are merely demonstrating your understanding. This shows respect which deflects conflict.
7. Voice Open-Ended Questions
Follow up with an open-ended question:“ What are your specific concerns?”
8. Engage In“ Solutioneering”
Ask:“ What would be fair for both of us?” Clarify what’ s workable for you.
As lawyers, conflict is our mainstay. We must deal with the negative emotions of those around us. We will be less stressed if we remember three Ps: pause, plug into our body’ s sensations, then proceed logically and calmly. �
Author: Mari J. Frank – Law and Mediation Offices of Mari J. Frank
��������������� ��������������
��