GSCENE 69
NETTY’S
QUEERYING
WORLD
QUEENIE
BY QUEEN JOSEPHINE
UP THE RESOLUTION
ENDURING JANUARY
If it’s the first of January then I’m probably feeling hung-over, fat
and furious. It’s also roughly 364 days since I last gave a shit about
resolutions.
Well, I’ve just done something I rarely do; I’ve looked back at January
2012’s Querying Queenie to see what the bloody buggery I blithered on
about, and I discovered that whilst my New Year’s Resolutions were
quite thin on the ground (I’d vowed to take up petty crime, join a
Flock Of Seagulls tribute band and play badminton every day) they
were also completely ridiculous and just a little bit sarcastic because
that’s how I generally feel in January. Ridiculous and sarcastic. I’d
thought of such stupid resolutions because they were just as likely to
come true as the more traditional ones.
The trouble with resolutions in Brighton is that they fail miserably.
Brighton is a saucy tart; a Regency doxy lifting her skirts and
waggling her rump in our helpless faces. Amid the myriad of
temptation this city of vice thrusts at us on a daily basis, alcoholic
revelry is the main offender all year round.
So, take alcohol. Mine’s a large red wine thank you very much. The
best way to avoid a hangover is to stay in and drink tea. But ‘tis the
season to be jolly… jolly off your trolley. It’s all well and good to
know how to drink on New Year’s Eve, but when you wake up and it’s
New Year’s Day, it’s time to pay the piper… with pain. If you’re not
entirely au fait with the demonology of drink, you need an expert to
guide you through the evil hangover process. Reader, I am she.
On the subject of hangovers, or I as I call them ‘the wrath of grapes’,
if there’s one word I can’t say often enough, it’s ‘water’. The brain
literally shrivelling through dehydration causes most headaches
associated with booze. Ensure you place a pint of water by your bed
before you go out, that way you know whatever state you return in
(if you return at all), you will be just an arm’s length from salvation.
“On the subject of hangovers, or I
as I call them ‘the wrath of grapes’,
if there’s one word I can’t say often
enough, it’s ‘water’”
If you’ve had a particularly heavy session you may wake feeling
surprisingly okay, on some occasions I’ve felt positively euphoric. This
phenomenon is what is known in our house as a ‘false dawn’. You’re
actually still drunk. Unless immediate action is taken to counteract
last night’s shenanigans, within two hours you’ll be in a foetal
position crying for your mum.
My advice is to eat whatever
you fancy, drink a bath of tea,
and reminisce with a good
friend or lover about the fun
you had growing your
hangover. Enjoy it, soon only
millionaires will be able to
afford to drink excessively. If
it’s not a school night, you
could go to your favourite gay pub and order a large Bloody Mary. The
tabasco will stimulate ‘pleasure from pain’ endorphins, and you can
start all over again.
I’m a true believer in turning over new leaves, but come January the
tree of my resolve is bare. The beginning of the year is so miserable
it’s the one time we humans should be indulging in anything that
cheers us up. That’s why I make my life-enhancing decisions in
September, at the end of the summer madness with the Christmas
stress still a distant threat on the horizon.
In short, we can’t change the past so let it go. We can change the
future, but only by enjoying life right now. So if you’re worrying
about the evils of drink or the guilty pleasures you’ve indulged in
over this festive season, you’ll know what you really should give up.
Worrying.
So no more feelings of failure to come this year as this old lady ain’t
resolving to do anything. But to pour some light over this supposed
month of doom I’m going to find some positives for January 2013…
1. Now for those of you like me who
get paid on the ‘last working day of
the month’, January seems like it
lasts for at least two months. This is
usually due to getting the Xmas
wages early (good on 24th December,
bad a few days later) and to going
out on NYE and spending the entire
month’s food budget in a few crazy
hours (none of which you can
remember come 2nd January). But let
this not be a terrible time of misery and self-loathing. Make it ‘creative
cookery’ month by trying to create interesting and innovative meals
from practically nothing with what’s left (festering) in the back of the
cupboard/fridge/freezer. Your self worth will soar as you lovingly
present a pea risotto made entirely from escaped peas scrap