Natural Consequences
How to Set Limits & Follow Through
helpful… you’re also more likely to issue consequences that you won’t enforce. This sends a
message to children that you don’t mean what
you say, and that the limits you set aren’t important. When your child’s behavior gets under
your skin, take a few moments to calm down
and collect yourself so you can maintain access
to your “logical” brain.
Ask yourself:
Is the consequence related?
Make sure that any consequence you give your
child is related to the situation at hand. Spilled
juice? Wipe it up. Fighting over a toy? Remove
the toy. Hurting someone else? Find a way to
make amends. Cancelling plans to go to the
movies isn’t related to a child pocketing a pack
of gum from the store; returning it to the store
and apologizing is.
Ask yourself:
Is the consequence respectful?
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Blame, shame and pain do not help kids learn
how to improve their behavior. When a child
hears, “Why would you throw a ball in the
house? I can’t believe you broke my lamp! Go
to your room, I don’t want to see you right
now,” he thinks, “I am bad.” When a child
hears, “Oh no, the ball broke my lamp! Now I
have to buy a new one. I need you to help pay
for it with your allowance,” he thinks, “I made
a mistake.” It’s a very different message and
learning experience (fixing a mistake versus
shame from a parent). You can ensure that the
consequences you set for your children are
respectful by aiming for problem solving over
punishment.
Ask yourself:
Is the consequence reasonable?
When it comes to seeing through the consequences you’ve set, things get much harder if
you’ve set a limit that is disproportionate to the
problem, impractical, or possibly even hurtful.
Keep the scale of the consequence aligned with
the scale of the behavior. If you have to think
too hard about what to do to a child to teach
them a lesson, the consequence is probably too
punitive and impractical. Instead think, “How
can I work with my child to solve this problem?” for a more feasible solution.
Allow for emotional expression.
Setting limits gives kids a set of boundaries
and a sense of safety; they are healthy and
necessary. However, kids will not always be
happy about them. This might be the hardest
part of holding a limit—the emotional reaction
that follows in the wake. When you set a limit
your kids don’t like, let them have their feelings
about it. It does not mean you have to change
the limit you set! Keep your boundaries and
know that upset feelings are important for a
child’s adaptive process. Letting out tears paves
the way for a child to be able to access his “logical brain,” accept consequences, fix mistakes,
and find alternate solutions to problems.
With these guidelines, your disciplinary limits
will always be appropriate and the consequences logical. This means that following through
with discipline will be easier for you and will
send the message to your children that you
mean what you say, and say what you mean.