Building a Great Relationship
Want to be a great parent? Want to raise a happy, healthy, well-behaved kid? Want to live in a
home where discipline becomes unnecessary?
The secret is to create a closer connection with
your child.
“What do you mean? Of course I love my
kid, and I tell him so all the time. But that
doesn’t mean he doesn’t need discipline!”
It isn’t enough that we tell our children we love
them. We need to put our love into action every
day for them to feel it. And when we do that our
kids need a lot less discipline!
“But what does that mean, putting
our love into action?”
Mostly, it means making that connection with
our child our highest priority. Love in action
means paying thoughtful attention to what goes
on between us, seeing things from our child’s
point of view, and always remembering that this
child who sometimes may drive us crazy is still
that precious baby we welcomed into our arms
with such hope.
“Doesn’t that take a lot of energy?”
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It takes a lot of effort to fully attend to another
human being, but when we are really present with
our child, we often find that it energizes us and
makes us feel more alive, as being fully present
with anyone does. Being close to another human
takes work. But 90% of people on their deathbed
say that their biggest regret is that they didn’t get
closer to the people in their lives. And almost all
parents whose children are grown say they wish
they had spent more time with their kids.
with your child
“Being fully present? How can I do that
when I’m just trying to get dinner on the
table and keep from tripping over the toys?”
Being present just means paying attention.
Like a marriage or a friendship, your relationship with your child needs positive attention to
thrive. Attention = Love. Like your garden, your
car, or your work, what you attend to flourishes.
And, of course, that kind of attentiveness takes
time. You can multi-task at it while you’re making dinner, but the secret of a great relationship
is some focused time every day attending only
to that child.
“This is all too vague for me. What am
I supposed to actually DO?”
Start right for a firm foundation.
The closeness of the parent-child connection
throughout life results from how much parents
connect with their babies, right from the beginning. For instance, research has shown that
fathers who take a week or more off work when
their babies are born have a closer relationship
with their child at every stage, including as teens
and college students. Is this cause and effect?
The bonding theorists say that if a man bonds
with his newborn, he will stay closer to her
throughout life. But you don’t have to believe
that bonding with a newborn is crucial to note
that the kind of man who treasures his newborn
and nurtures his new family is likely to continue doing so in ways that bring them closer
throughout her childhood.