Green Child Magazine Back-to-School 2014 | Page 52

Grace & Courtesy: Helping Our Children Learn Self-Discipline |by Mary Ellen Maunz One of the foundational factors in good Montessori schools is what we call “Grace and Courtesy.” This is our curriculum of how to behave as a functioning part of the home or the classroom community. Rather than “making our children mind,” we demonstrate how to behave appropriately. and expect the child to do what we say. In psychology, it is called cognitive dissonance when words do not match behavior, and children notice it immediately. Ultimately, our own maturity and our own efforts to live better are what help our children learn to behave. (Sorry – there is no magic bullet!) Grace and Courtesy is the oil that keeps the group functioning smoothly, it is the ambience that the parents can create in the home and the teacher can create in the classroom, of graciousness and respect. We can only create it when first we model it with our own actions, and then with good-natured lessons, we demonstrate the way we do things in our class, or in our home. From an early age, even when neurologically and physically, children cannot control their own behavior, they are watching and taking in our behaviors. If we are tense and have our teeth clenched while we try to help a child calm down, they are going to feel the tension and have a harder time calming down. We can learn to take a deep breath when our children are having meltdowns and help them regain control. Especially when they are very little, when we help babies and toddlers calm down, they are establishing the neurological connections to self-calm. Many studies tell us that the roots of violence lie in the inability to self-calm. Let’s consider a few examples. We want our children to be helpful. So how do we teach it? Be helpful, go out of your way to help a sick neighbor or a grandparent that needs some assistance. We want our children to be respectful. How do we teach it? Be respectful of your spouse and of your children. The ONLY way our children learn to behave is by seeing it and doing it. Conveying the same message with our words and our actions. 52 As parents and as teachers, we quickly learn that we cannot say one thing and do another Activities of Grace and Courtesy Grace and Courtesy includes many things, from care of the self and care of the environment to learning the kind and gracious way to handle all manner of situations. We care for one another’s needs and we help one another learn new activities.