CHAPLAIN
REPAIRING BROKEN CONNECTIONS
REV DAVID ASSENDER SCHOOL CHAPLAIN
Using the tools of connecting behaviour to change disconnecting behaviour
We are connected all around the world like never before , but how do we connect well ? What makes a good connection ? How do we repair broken connections ?
Humanly speaking , I think it is helpful to think of connections not so much as something we have with others , as much as something we do .
Psychiatrist William Glasser is known for helpfully outlining connecting and disconnecting habits in relationships . He says we can choose nourishing habits of supporting , encouraging , listening , accepting , trusting , respecting and negotiating differences to repair and build healthy relationships . On the other hand , we should avoid disconnecting habits of criticising , blaming , complaining , nagging , threatening , punishing and bribing or even rewarding to control . This is a very helpful list of dos and don ’ ts .
Understanding the context or social dynamics of disconnecting behaviour is also critical . In her very influential book , Hurt People Hurt People , Dr Sandra Wilson explains that the one thing we all need to heal our hurts is people to support and help us . However , when hurt people hurt people , they disconnect themselves from their sources of support . In other words , how can we expect to be helped by the very people we are pushing away ? Is it possible for a bully to reconnect ?
Perhaps one of the greatest bullies in Christian history was the Apostle Paul himself . Before he put his faith in Christ , he was a proud and tenacious persecutor of Christians . Where did his change of direction come from ? In his words : ‘ This life that I live now , I live by faith in the Son of God , who loved me and gave his life for me ’ ( Galatians 2:20 ).
What did Jesus do to change Paul ’ s direction ? He gave his life for him . Despite all the hurt Paul had caused , forgiveness was extended to him through faith in what Jesus did on the cross . Selflessness turns us into givers when the takers are taking . Jesus once said : ‘ But I tell you who hear me : Love your enemies , do good to those who hate you , bless those who curse you , and pray for those who mistreat you . If anyone hits you on one cheek , let him hit the other one too ; if someone takes your coat , let him have your shirt as well . Give to everyone who
asks you for something , and when someone takes what is yours , do not ask for it back . Do for others just what you want them to do for you .’ ( Luke 6:27-31 )
This is a very powerful list of connecting habits . The Greek word for love here is agape . It is a love that seeks nothing in return . Famously , the Rev Martin Luther King Jr explained this love in a sermon that became the rationale behind the peaceful marches of the Civil Rights Movement :
‘ It is an overflowing love ; it ’ s what theologians would call the love of God working in the lives of men . And when you rise to love on this level , you begin to love men , not because they are likeable , but because God loves them . You look at every man , and you love him because you know God loves him …
‘ And this is what Jesus means … in this very passage when he says , “ Love your enemy .” And it ’ s significant that he does not say , “ Like your enemy .” Like is a sentimental something , an affectionate something . There are a lot of people that I find it difficult to like … Love is an understanding , redemptive goodwill for all men , so that you love everybody because God loves them . You refuse to do anything that will defeat an individual , because you have agape in your soul . And here you come to the point that you love the individual who does the evil deed , while hating the deed that the person does . This is what Jesus means when he says , " Love your enemy ." This is the way to do it .’
Dauntingly , this is the way to do it . To change disconnecting behaviour you use the tools of connecting behaviour . You love your enemies and do good to those who hate you . You show them a better way so they can see and recognise a better way . Just as Martin Luther King Jr showed us , and just as Jesus showed us on the cross .
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