“ Hey girl . What up ? You lookin ' fine !” they will say to all the pretty girls who pass through the doors . The two men are here for a paycheck , but the attention they receive from the women is a great side-benefit . It ’ s the mid-nineties and now it ’ s cool to be black . Now it ’ s cool to fuck a nigger .
From where I sit smoking , drinking and seething with rage , I can ’ t help but wonder . Don ’ t they remember ? Maybe it ’ s just me who remembers that , not so long ago , I was just another “ Fucking dirty nigger !” When did things change ? When did it become cool to be black ? When and how did it happen ? Perhaps it was just me , in Vancouver , in the seventies amongst a sea of Caucasian , Oriental and East Indian faces . Amongst even a family that didn ’ t look like me . It must just be me .
You ’ re Inferior . You ’ re just a worthless nigger .
I watch Bryson and Phil . I can ’ t take my eyes off them . Why are they …… ok ? They are both big guys , six foot apiece with a muscular chest , shoulders and six pack abs . They ’ ve each dabbled in martial arts enough to be able to impress the average person with they ’ re flying roundhouse kicks and other moves , but they aren ’ t real fighters . These two are nice , laid-back guys revelling in the relatively new status that the pigment of their skin affords them . They are different from me .
How is it Bryson and Phil seem to forget ?
Because it ’ s you who is different . It ’ s you who doesn ’ t fit in . Because you ’ re not really black and you ’ re not really white . You ’ re nothing !
Sometimes though , even the normally docile men would hear it . Nigger ! someone would say . A beating would then occur , and the man who uttered the word would be punched , kicked and smashed into a bloody pulp to make the people who witnessed it think twice before ever using racial slurs again . There had been enough of these example-style beatings in this shit hole for me to see how regulars mostly knew better by now . Sometimes a woman said it . Fucking nigger ! She ’ d scream and her hair would fly all over , and sometimes her shirt or dress would get ripped as she was thrown out the door . She might even get spit on and barred . Un-disguised racism was always punished .
Bryson ’ s green contact lenses , smooth shaved head and fine features gave him a pretty-boy look many of the female patrons found irresistible . Phil ’ s darker complexion and more rugged look appealed to the other women who found Bryson too pretty . They played up they ’ re contrast in a good cop / bad cop manner and always cut a very wide swath through the women , laughing and joking all the way .
Don ’ t think .
Despite my best efforts to avoid it , I can ’ t stop . It ’ s too late to stop the spiral of despair thinking always leads me to . Thankfully , it only lasts a moment before it ’ s replaced by rage , which feels like a relief .
I try to distract myself by taking a drag off my cigarette , taking another sip of rum , and thinking about hurting someone , or fucking .
I don ’ t wear Lugz . I wear faded black Levis and a plain , usually slightly wrinkled white shirt . The thin gold chain around my neck is barely noticeable and aside from my five earrings : three in the left , and two in the right , I don ’ t look the part . I ’ m a different animal than Bryson and Phil . I ’ m just a run of the mill kind of nigger . I don ’ t feel the pressure to live up to an image because I ’ ve walked in a no man ’ s land of identity angst my whole life . I have no image to uphold . I wonder sometimes why I couldn ’ t have been adopted by a black family . Or better yet just born white .
You ’ re inferior and there ’ s nothing you can do to change that .