Overcoming Obstacles
Secrets to a Long-Lasting Marriage
by Crystal Han
We all love happily-ever-after stories , but what ’ s the secret to the ever-after part ? The fairytales conveniently overlook how happy marriages stay happy . Every long-term marriage is unique and has its own secret to success , however , there are a few basic things that can help all marriages stay strong .
Every marriage encounters struggles and hardships over time , but what helps it last is how the couple manages hurt . “ There ’ s little miscommunications or not good communication , and hurt that ’ s happening that isn ’ t addressed , isn ’ t forgiven , or isn ’ t talked about , and , brick by brick , a wall gets built up between [ the couple ] and that ’ s how divorce happens ,” Martha McNiel , director of Dreampower Horsemanship and former marriage therapist , explained . Couples need to address the hurt before it festers by communicating effectively and by treating each other with respect . This means respecting your partner ’ s views , rather than mocking them , and respecting their autonomy instead of trying to make them do things your way .
As time goes on , kids , job changes or troubles , and other obstacles can make the relationship less of a priority , and that can lead to couples growing apart . The trick to staying close with your partner is to always act as if you ’ re dating . “ Oftentimes when you ’ re dating , you ’ re on your best behavior . You do fun stuff , you make the relationship a priority , and it ’ s really fun ,” McNiel said . Sharing fun experiences naturally keeps the bond alive . When you ’ re dating , it ’ s easy to see all the positive things about your partner , and that ’ s something you should hold onto . People in strong relationships are always looking for the good things to praise and build up in each other . They accept their partner ’ s strengths and weaknesses and are able to work with them .
Continued interest and support keep marriages healthy . This might look like having fifteen minute stress reducing conversations — not about the relationship — where you talk about what ’ s going on in each other ’ s lives and offer a listening ear or solutions , depending on what your partner wants . It can also look like knowing your partner ’ s dreams and what they want out of life and actively helping them make that happen .
People in strong relationships are always looking for the good things to praise and build up in each other . They accept their partner ’ s strengths and weaknesses and are able to work with them .
You may have gotten the “ don ’ t go to bed angry ” advice before . While the sentiment is admirable , it isn ’ t always the best advice , depending on the circumstances . “ When you ’ re resolving arguments , timing is as important as anything else , and that has to be when you ’ re not tired , or hungry , or worried about something else . Maybe you think you ’ re going to lose your job the next day . Maybe that might not be the night to try to resolve a fight ,” McNiel said . Partners in strong marriages are able to see when something big is going on in their partner ’ s life and put aside their relationship concerns to help their partner . When the big issue is over , then you can address the relationship .
Some problems are too big for couples to solve on their own . The longer you stay stuck on a problem and ignore it , the worse it becomes . By the time you seek outside help , it ’ s too late . “ It ’ s like going to the doctor when you have stage four cancer and saying ‘ make me better ’,” McNiel said . Which is why the minute you hit a problem you don ’ t know how to solve , you should seek help from a marriage therapist . There ’ s no shame in getting an outsider ’ s perspective .
Ideally , starting a marriage with the right foundation will make the ups and downs easier to manage . Premarital counseling can help couples figure out their favorite communication styles and values . And it ’ s never too early to get help . Like McNeil said , “ It ’ s better to build something that ’ s happy and productive from the get-go , instead of trying to repair the damage after the dam broke .”
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