Re-thinking the holidays
T by Crystal Han
he Holidays can be as stressful as they are magical .
Between struggling to find gifts for everyone , money concerns , family gatherings , and travel , you might be tempted to think Andy Williams ’ song “ It ’ s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year ” is the epitome of sarcasm . If we reshape the way we approach the holidays , however , we might be able to lessen some of that stress and enjoy ourselves .
Most of us feel pressured to give gifts during the holidays , and , in American culture especially , there ’ s the idea that this is the time for extravagant gifts . Naturally , this adds financial stress to the mix . Before you break your wallet this year , Erik Pedersen , a psychologist in Morgan Hill , recommends that you understand your motivations for gift giving . “ Money and love are often confused as the same thing . When couples fight about money , you can almost take the word ‘ money ’ out of the conversation and put the word ‘ love ’ in , and the conversation will work dramatically the same way ,” he explained , “ So it comes back to what you ’ re trying to do with the person you ’ re giving a gift to . Are you trying to express love or are you trying to fulfill a vacancy in them , or yourself ?”
Instead of equating the amount of money spent with the amount of love you feel for someone , Pedersen suggests making affection the central focus . A gift can be small and simple and still convey love . Think about the things your loved one values — what are their interests and hobbies ? What brings them joy ?— and go from there .
This might be a difficult concept when it comes to children . Parents often fall into the extravagant gift trap with their kids because they want to give them everything they want . But what does a child really want ?
“ What I find children really want , more than anything else , is the quality of their parents ’ presence in their lives . So I often encourage parents to buy things you can do together . The real present is the hours spent with the blocks , the puzzles , the Legos ,” Pedersen said . That is a better “ I love you ” than giving them something big and expensive and leaving them alone with it .
Our time and who we spend it with is another major source of holiday stress . We often feel pressured to squeeze holiday parties and family gatherings in with our already packed schedules . In addition to that , there may be people we aren ’ t so crazy about seeing , which leads to a sense of dread about these events . Whether you ’ re visiting family or hosting a holiday event , Pedersen says that you can spare yourself some stress by limiting your time to only the people who feed your soul . This might look like visiting with the people you have a close relationship with and sending your love to everyone else with a card or a phone call . Similar to gift gifting , if you ’ re hosting an event , Pedersen suggests thinking about your reasons for hosting . If your reason is to express love , then don ’ t invite anyone who threatens that purpose . For those who get upset that they weren ’ t invited , Pedersen recommends validating their feelings while upholding your decision by saying something like , “ I ’ m horrified that you were hurt by that , I just don ’ t feel that we know each other ,” and offer an opportunity to connect more .
If you read that and immediately imagined a fallout of catastrophic proportions , you ’ re not alone . Sometimes there ’ s more peace in including everyone , even if they don ’ t feed your soul . For those situations , Pedersen recommends limiting your expectations .
Part of the reason family gatherings are so stressful is because of the clash of our own self-image against our families ’ view of us . When we move out and away from our families , we grow and change into the individuals we want to be , but our families and communities of origin often don ’ t acknowledge those changes . “ You develop your
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