Vicki Minerva
the RELATIONSHIP dance
Vicki Minerva has lived and worked in the South
County area as a Marriage and Family Therapist
for over 35 years. Her education includes a M.Div.
degree from Fuller Seminary and a M.A.
Working Through the Conflict
D
id you know that 69% of
conflict in relationships is never
resolved? Even in healthy,
functioning relationships there are areas
in which two people will never see eye
to eye and yet can maintain a loving
relationship. The absence of conflict
means someone isn’t communicating
or has become “invisible.”
How couples handle those
differences is what John Gottman, a
renowned researcher, says separates
the “Masters” from the “Disasters.” He
describes the relational Four Horseman
of the Apocalypse:
Criticism.
Different than voicing a complaint.
It attacks the core of the other’s
character.
Contempt
Jumps to the next level with
disrespect, mocking, and an air of
moral superiority.
Defensiveness
A very human response to criticism
but is rarely effective, putting up
road blocks to productive dialogue.
Stonewalling
Often a response to contempt when
the listener feels physiologically and
psychologically overwhelmed. It
shuts down all communication.
There is more to be said about all
of these and I encourage you to read
Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles
for Making Marriage Work to learn
more. I primarily want to focus on
Contempt because it is so caustic to
relationships and suggest more effective
ways to get through conflict.
Contempt is bad for your health. It
elevates cortisol and adrenaline levels
due to being in a fight or flight state.
Your immune system is compromised
causing vulnerability to infectious
diseases like colds and flu. Beyond that,
it treats the listener with hatred and
disdain; the message is they are utterly
worthless. The speaker communicates
an authority and moral superiority,
through that disdain, that blocks
listening, understanding and resolution.
We can see this at a macro level
in our current political discourse.
Regardless of your political persuasion,
I encourage you to also consider your
conversations, and perhaps consider
changes in your attitude and approach
as well, to gain understanding and find
solutions.
To start, it’s important to search
for the important value, meaning or
interpretation attached to the apparent
conflict for both parties. You will have
to genuinely seek understanding.
Using a simple example, when your
partner complains about socks on
the floor, the significance may be in
feeling unappreciated or anxiety with
clutter. Understanding the core values
or meaning behind each position gives
clues to WHY there’s such a need to
hold your positions, whether it’s at the
personal or political level.
Is there something in your past
that has shaped the way this affects
either of you? In the socks example, if
your father was abusive and belittling
to your mom, or your mom was
obsessively controlling, it may affect
your emotional response to current
circumstances.
Your discussion needs to be
respectful. Put down your weapons.
Give your counterpart credit for
having good intentions. Most
people don’t intend harm. However,
contempt crosses that line and makes
communication unsafe. If either of
you are getting overwhelmed or the
conversation degrades, take a break.
Calm down. No one is going to listen
well when you’re in fight or flight.
Avoid an ‘us vs. them’ mentality as it
shuts down the ability to empathize
or have compassion. Continue to
look for, and speak to, things you can
affirm in the conversation. The ratio of
affirmations to criticism found in the
“Masters” is 5:1. Be patient. This may
take many conversations over time to
work. The goal here is understanding.
Some disagreements won’t go
away. Define those areas that you can
agree to disagree, while also defining
those areas where you can be flexible.
If you understand the value or the
need that stands behind the conflict,
there will likely be more that you can
actually support about the concerns.
From there, respectful and purposeful
compromises can be negotiated that
honor both parties.
Changing your attitude from
contempt to respect will alter your tone
and goals.
It’s always easier to find common
ground with understanding. Find where
you can move towards the middle.
Continuing with the socks example,
knowing socks cause anxiety may make
it easier to pay attention to picking
up more, or cause you to express
appreciation regularly. Changing from
“You’re such a slob!” to “I’m feeling
overwhelmed” will net a different result.
It WILL take practice, but you
should see changes in the outcomes.
gmh
TODAY . I’m taking my own advice to simplify some things
This is my last article for
and create more space in my life! I hope you’ve found the articles helpful.
Thank you J. Chris and Larry for the opportunity!
86
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
february/march 2019
gmhtoday.com