the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
When You Feel Personally Attacked, Maligned
Y
our body is in full defense mode
and you’re ready to launch a
counter attack. But is that really
the best way to handle the situation?
Your body is incredible, being built
with an automatic instinct to survive
with the fight or flight response. When
the danger is physical, the spike in
adrenaline readies your body to wrestle
the bear or run for cover. Most of the
threats you’ll experience these days
aren’t physical attacks, but emotional
or psychological ones, and this mind/
body response needs to be utilized in a
different way.
It’s important that you pay attention
to the feeling. There is a part of your
brain that picks up on nonverbal cues
and processes information before the
logical and verbal part of your brain has
made sense of things. It may tell you
“You’re safe. Proceed.” Or “Danger!”
When the fight-or-flight response is
happening in a relationship you care
about, it can get complicated as you
choose how to handle it. It tells you
something is wrong, but it doesn’t guide
you with how to resolve it. Researcher
John Gottman has studied what people
in successful relationships do, and
identifies the ability to “calm down” and
to “listen and respond non-defensively”
as key. This is completely contrary
to what your instincts tell you to do
when you’re feeling threatened, but it’s
essential to assess what’s wrong to do
the repair and maintenance that every
relationship requires.
Defensiveness may be triggered by
a variety of things besides your current
situation. If you’ve lived with toxic
shame, had previous bad experiences
or are simply having a bad day, you
may feel guarded and react with that
fight, flight or freeze response. Others
may feel that vibe and respond to you
from their own activated fight or flight
reaction. Without the ability to soothe
yourself and choose your responses, a
dissatisfying cycle of reactivity and/or
escalation of fights gets set in motion.
So. How can you handle it?
The old adage to take a deep breath
and count to ten actually helps. Deep
breathing is a physiological way to signal
your brain it’s ok to shut off the stress
hormones. It really does help to change
the biological aspects of being in fight
or flight mode to take several slow, deep
breaths. As simple as that sounds, it’s an
important first step.
Put that time that you’re
counting to ten to good use:
Name what you’re feeling. When you
name it, you can often link it to other
things you may be feeling. For example,
anger is typically a secondary emotion,
reacting to the deeper feelings of hurt or
fear. You’ll get a much better response
when you communicate about the core
feelings.
Remind yourself that you care about
this person and the quality of relation-
ship. Cheap shots are never ok. They
may feel like a score in the moment,
but will be destructive to your relation-
ship in the long term. Trusting that you
have each other’s best interest in mind is
sacred and must be protected.
If you need to take a break to calm
down, say so. Get a drink of water, go
for a walk, wash your face. If you need
to write some thoughts down while you
take a time out, do it. Plan to reconnect
in a few minutes, or after an agreed
upon time frame. If things start to get
heated, do it again. This may SEEM
slow and inefficient, but the ability to
stay respectful and calmly work out the
issues that spark the defensive reaction
will save you massive amounts of time
and trouble over the years.
Hopefully your partner can
approach a conversation without
hostility. It’s when they can’t (or aren’t)
that you’ll especially need to choose
the non-defensive mindset. Your goal
is to understand what your partner
is concerned about so you can find
options that work for both of you.
Gottman suggests a value system, “In
this relationship, we do not ignore one
another’s pain. I have to understand
this hurt.” That value system helps
you to not take a complaint personally,
recognizing that the other person is
speaking about a need they have. If you
care about their hurt, it isn’t about you,
it’s about resolving it.
Self-soothing and listening non-
defensively goes against our instincts.
It isn’t easy, but it’s a life skill you can
learn. Get through tough conversations
without the fight!
Vicki Minerva has lived and
worked in the South County
area as a Marriage and
Family Therapist for over 35
years. Her education includes
a M.Div. degree from Fuller
Seminary and a M.A. in
Marriage, Family Counseling
from Santa Clara University.
Contact her at 408.848.8793
or visit vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2017
gmhtoday.com
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