THERE'S ONLY ONE CHOICE FOR YOUR HAIR
Reading bad writing has become something of an extreme sport, and Thomas has found a niche unlike any other. Satisfaction for these readers is far greater and their loyalty can be extraordinary.
The New Fiction
“I didn’t set out to create a new genre,” said Thomas, after security forced him to leave the front rows and be accompanied by a responsible adult.”I just wrote some really bad books. It says a lot when that sort of rubbish is considered to have merit.”
The merit he’s referring to arose in the wake of the release of Writing Wrongly (Panda Books Australia $14.99), a so-called ‘Sortabiography’; a book recounting the legal quagmire that his writing instigated. Writing Wrongly became something of a sensation when released three months ago, and has since catapulted the Velvet Paw of Asquith Novels, the books in question, onto several best-seller lists. Reading bad writing has become something of an extreme sport, and Thomas has found a niche unlike any other. Satisfaction for these readers can be far greater than consuming good writing and their loyalty can be extraordinary.
“It’s the ultimate irony,” Thomas said, having found a dark corner that he was more comfortable with, “that my dreadful writing has become something that’s sought after. Who would have thought that my appalling use of apostrophe’s and a blatant disregard for punctuation would be considered a genre in itself?”
The irony is far greater when considering that a little over a year ago, Thomas was taken to court by the entire publishing industry on the grounds that his writing was so unreservedly dreadful that is undermined not only their industry, but the literary world as a whole.
“Looking back on it,” said Thomas, after we’d agreed to buy him a hot-dog, “I think they did me a favour. It was a dreadful experience and bankrupted me on more fronts than something comprised entirely of fronts.
“There's nothing wrong with bad writing, besides the fact that no one reads it. Those who dare are the new adventurers.”
But without that trauma I wouldn’t have met Janice, my books would still be destroying Kindles and I still wouldn’t be able to masturbate.”
“Oh, and can I just say how much I loathe Malcolm Shrot-Faith who writes for the Guardian? You should see his apartment; it’s stupid and doesn’t even have walls. Frankly, I think the only thing keeping up the ceiling is his hugely voluminous ego.”
But it’s not Writing Wrongly itself which has captured the imagination of readers, so much as the extraordinary exposure the court case generated. And this is where Thomas has found something of a reprieve after the angst of enduring it.
“Everyone hated me at the time,” said Thomas, after he was evicted from proceedings for inappropriate conduct with his hot-dog, “and they still do, of course. But because the publishing industry owned the media, the savage and brutal way in which I was portrayed to the public ultimately worked in my favour. I’m a bit like Jesus, really; he was crucified in a very literal sense of the word and now the public love him. Moreover, his book has done brilliantly. I was crucified in a less literal sense of the word, and although everyone still hates me, my books have done quite well. Do you know we share the same middle name?”
The interview ended abruptly then, when Thomas was escorted from the premises after bursting his hot-dog. After giving our statements to the authorities, we tried a few more questions, but because Thomas was being berated by his solicitor, we received no answers. We did, however, receive some further material from him by fax, but it was so badly written that we were unable to make sense of it. Perhaps that sums him up best; Imaginative Realism might require imagination from the writer, but it requires far more from the reader.
Jessica White
stylist&fashion manager
And that’s to do what it’s told.
So dye it, cut it, perm and tease it.
And when you’re done, rid yourself of guilt by using
Shamper’s Shampoo.
Go on, crap on your head.
It’s not called poo for nothing.