The true history of the world
H
umans originally
existed as members
of small bands of
nomadic hunter-gatherers.
They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in
the winter.
The two most important
events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the
invention of the wheel. The
wheel was invented to get
man to the beer. These were
the foundation of modern
civilisation and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it
required grain, and that was
the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminium can were invented
yet, so while our early
humans were sitting around
waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed
close to the brewery. That's
how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days
tracking and killing animals to
braai at night while they were
drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker
and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the
Conservatives by showing up
for the nightly braai and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair
dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal
movement.
Some of these Liberal men
eventually evolved into
women. They became known
as girlie-men. Some
noteworthy Liberal
achievements include the
domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept
of democratic voting to
decide how to divide the
meat and beer that
Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives
came to be symbolised by the
largest, most powerful land
animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolised by the
jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals like imported
beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine or
imported bottled water. They
eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and
French food are standard
Liberal fare.. Another
interesting evolutionary side
note: most of their women
have higher testosterone levels
than their men. Most social
workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists,
49
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QUIRKY
dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are Liberals.
Liberals invented the
Duckworth-Lewis system of
deciding the outcome of a
cricket match.
Conservatives drink domestic
beer. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big game
hunters, stunt riders,
construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police
officers, engineers, corporate
executives, athletes, members
of the military, airline pilots
and generally anyone who
works productively.
Conservatives who own
companies hire other
Conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or
nothing. They like to govern
the producers and decide
what to do with the
production.