PORTLAND MARKET REPORT
NOVEMBER IN VIEW
A SEASONAL TWIST ON CURRENT GLOBAL CHALLENGES
Minutes from Christmas Preparation Meeting , North Pole Inc . The North Pole . 11am , Dec 1st 2020 .
Present ; Santa Claus ( Chair ), Mrs Claus ( Company Secretarial ), Reindeer , Works Representatives
Santa ( SC ) brought the meeting to order at 11am sharp .
Item 1 – Present Supply ; Chief Economist Pixie Boot reported on the latest figures from OPEC ( Organisation of Present Exporting Countries ) and the WTO ( World Tinsel Operations ), that showed a huge global glut of both presents and wrapping paper . Pixie informed the meeting that as a result , there should be no problems in sourcing all the required toys for all the girls and boys ( plus nonbinaries ).
“ SHE HAD NOT BEEN ABLE TO SEE RUDOLF ’ S RED NOSE BECAUSE OF HIS FACE MASK .”
Item 2 – Present Preparation ; Elf Trade Union Leader Red Dwarf ( RD ) reported that things were not going so well in this area . He pointed out that whilst being a clear signal of positive environmental intent , the recent boycott of petroleum products in the North Pole had now backfired , with insufficient volumes of hand sanitizer being available . This had resulted in the Present Wrappers refusing to work in the warehouse because they did not deem the premises “ covid secure ”. In addition , half of the Sellotape Snipping Dept were now off , selfisolating . It was agreed that SC and RD would hold a zoom call with the absent workers to discuss concerns .
Before moving onto item 3 , Mrs Claus ( MC ) admonished Dasher for playing with his phone . Dasher responded that it was not him , but Rudolf playing with the phone and tweeting selfies to his 2.3bn followers . MC apologised and said that she had not been able to see Rudolf ’ s red nose because of his face mask .
20 Fuel Oil News | December 2020
Item 3 – Transport ; Chief Reindeer ( and general showboater ) Rudolph brought Board Members up to speed with the extensive problems that were also affecting transport preparation . As a result of social distancing rules , only 5 reindeers would be able to pull the sleigh , with the extra power required being provided by a stand-in diesel generator . With diesel so cheap these days , this was a fairly cheap workaround solution . However , it did present challenges with regard present delivery to urban areas located in Low Emission Zones and copious amounts of urea based Diesel Emission Reducer ( AdBlue ) would be required . At this point , Dancer stepped in and reminded meeting attendees that the entire reindeer team had been “ on the sauce ” for the duration of November and that this had now generated ample liquid urea for the manufacture of AdBlue . SC thanked the reindeer crew for their “ efforts ” and offered Dancer a couple of paracetamol . MC further opined that total emissions for the 2020 sleigh should be neutral versus 2019 , as increased diesel consumption would be negated by reductions in reindeer methane ( with only half the number of reindeers in action ). This prompted a furious argument amongst the reindeer about who emitted the most methane and why it was always so much worse to be at the back of the sleigh train .
Item 4 – Proposal from Krampus Claus ( KC ); The representative for the South Pole suggested cancelling Christmas because of “ all the bad sh1t that ’ s going down at the moment ”. SC responded that as a minority shareholder , KC did have the right to make such proposals , but that they almost always involved cancelling Christmas or moving operations to the South Pole . SC also stated that as CEO and Chairman of North Pole Inc . he would be vetoing this item . MC then asked why KC only attended meetings in times of upheaval ? She pointed out that his last attendance was in 2008 during the Financial Crisis , when he had presented a paper on the cost savings involved in using penguins to wrap presents , rather than elves ( and paying the penguins in fish ). KC offered no response .
Item 5 – Administration ; It was noted that 2020 would be the last year of free reindeer movement into the United Kingdom and that work would be needed in the new year to ensure tariff-free present access in the future . MC would take this action forward , although she pointed out that like all sectors , the gift industry was waiting for the OFT ( Office of Festive Trading ) to deliver on their longpromised “ oven-ready ” Brexit deal . RD gleefully asked colleagues to remind him “ never to eat food cooked in that oven ”, because it must be “ bloody useless ”. There was polite laughter from other Board Members in response to this .
“ THIS PROMPTED A FURIOUS ARGUMENT ABOUT WHO EMITTED THE MOST METHANE .”
Item 6 – Any Other Business ; It was noted that a badly written letter , with lots of CAPITALS had been received from a Donald ( aged 74¼ ) in Washington DC , requesting another 4 years in his big white house . SC commented that whilst North Pole Inc . was in the business of delivering miracles , a line had to be drawn somewhere and that therefore , the letter should be conveniently “ lost ” ( with blame being apportioned to the US Postal Service ). There was general agreement to this , along with appreciative ( and more fulsome ) mirth for SC ’ s quip that the individual in question “ was fired ” and that now was the time to “ Make Christmas Great Again ”.
On that note and at 12.25 , the meeting was brought to a close .
Post-script ; Despite all the challenges , Santa and his team once again delivered and Christmas 2020 was a triumph ! Season ’ s Greetings to one and all !
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