PORTLAND
MARKET
REPORT
December update
Dear Father Christmas,
My name is Portland.
I am 8½ years old and I live in York,
England, Britain, Europe, Northern Hemisphere,
The World.
For most of this year, I have been very
good. Certainly not bad. Apart from when
those marketing guys came to talk to us about
mood and colour. I was definitely bad to them.
This year, I would like the following;
1. A new or second-hand diesel car (NOT
Volkswagen – unless it is a Golf GTI. That
would be OK). I understand that diesel
cars are as cheap as chips nowadays, so
hopefully you don’t think I am asking for
too much. I was going to ask for the fuel
too, but the bloke in the pub has told me
that all diesels run on chip fat and doner
kebabs. And we have loads of stuff like
that in the wheelie bins round the back
of our offices. Plus, I have a friend at the
same pub who told me that some diesel
cars can run on a special liquid, which
smells like normal diesel but looks like
ribena and is exactly 46.81 pence per
litre cheaper. But then another man in
the pub said he worked for something
called Customs & Exercise and my friend
had to run out the side-door, without
even finishing his pint or telling me where
I could get this ribena stuff. Which was
strange, because Baz has never left a pint
in his life. Not to my knowledge anyway.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Loads of ice, frost and snow and a
generally miserable climate. Like most
people in this industry, we tend to do
loads better when the weather is rubbish.
A fracking well. In our office and with
all the planning permissions sorted. I
appreciate that “Assorted Protestors” will
come included in the “Fracking Present
Pack”, but it would be good if they could
be delayed until after Christmas maybe?
Or perhaps you could change some of
the letters on the parcel and then we
can pretend it’s something from Ann
Summers?
5 Gold Rings. Every year those energetic
(but slightly odd) people with tinsel in
their hair come and sing about giving
away loads of presents. Most of the things
on offer are really weird – like leaping
Lords and birds you’ve never heard of –
but we’ll take the gold, no bother.
A whole heap of concrete dropped down
the chimneys of those marketing guys.
Let’s see how useful mood and colour are
when it comes to getting presents down a
blocked-up chimney.
Finally, loads of new power stations to
meet the requirements of the national
grid when all cars will be electric.
Apparently, this will happen in February.
I’d definitely prefer the Golf GTI by
the way Santa, but the cross man from
Yorkshire in the office said I should
ask for this one, because “Santa funky
Claus would have a better chance of
“THE MAGAZINE REMAINS THE “GO-TO”
PUBLICATION FOR THE DISTRIBUTOR SECTOR AND
DESPITE ITS UNIMAGINABLY BORING TITLE, “FUEL
OIL NEWS” HAS BECOME A BRAND IN ITSELF.
40
years
“PLUS, IT STILL MANAGES TO PACK IN NEWS, VIEWS AND DATA IN
AN ENGAGING AND ENTERTAINING WAY. CONGRATULATIONS TO
JANE AND THE TEAM ON REACHING THIS 40-YEAR MILESTONE.”
building power stations than this funky
Government”. I think he said funky, but it
doesn’t really make sense, because I know
you are cool Santa, but the people from
the Government don’t look very funky to
me. Anyway, at the moment apparently,
our Government is trying to build just one
power station in a place called Stinkly
Point. So far it is only made of paper, but
it has still cost over a bazillion squillion
pounds in commission fees to the Chinese
Government and the French contractors
who are doing the pictures. Maybe you
could get involved on this one with your
magic? I don’t know exactly how many
power stations we need for all these
electric cars, but the man from Yorkshire
who was talking about the funking
Government says “about 75…and I’m
not funking joking” (I think it must be his
favourit e word).
Anyhow, that’s all from me. Our
Governmental A-team is still looking at Brexit
and how it impacts on the free movement of
reindeer, so you shouldn’t have any problems
with border controls this year. So good luck on
Christmas Eve and Happy Christmas!
PS. Also thank you very much for last
year’s main present, which was a new office.
Although this did not arrive on Christmas
Day, you did send 2 expensive architects, 3
portaloos and 10 sweary builders a few months
later and we now have new premises to rattle
around in. Cheers!
For more pricing
information, see
page 26
JAMES SPENCER, PORTLAND
Portland Fuel Price Protection
www.portland-fuel-price-protection.com
Fuel Oil News | December 2017 9