“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw
The way parents communicate with their children determines how well disciplined their children will be and how well they will adapt to adult life. Contrary to what children believe, adulthood isn’t a time when we get to abandon all rules; it’s a time of ever increasing rules, regulations and laws that apply to aspects of our life for which we never knew we’d need rules!
Quite often parents don’t even realize that they are communicating in a confusing way. However, whether they acknowledge it or not, confusing communication leads children to question, ignore or even openly defy the rules set in place by parents who, by the way, put them in place for educational and safety purposes and not to “ruin all their child’s fun.”
Our communication with our children has even more far-reaching effects, but there isn’t enough time in this short article to cover all of them. So in this article, I’m going to concentrate on just three of the important things we must communicate in order to discipline effectively and with less effort.
1. Consistency
“A clear vision is usually assumed and rarely communicated.” Author Unknown
You’re tired so you don’t enforce the “no snacks after 4pm” rule to avoid the expenditure of energy it will take in order to counter the inevitable laundry list of objections. You’re not in the mood for the big whiny scene when out shopping so you don’t stick to the “no sodas” rule because you really don’t want a public spectacle.
Unfortunately, this communicates that you aren’t consistent which confuses children. This causes them to interpret the rules more as suggestions leading them to interpret which rules they must follow without question and which ones they can get away with or openly defy. Eventually, this leads to a confidence, whether real or imagined, that all rules are up for debate. This confusion begets fear or frustration eventually causing a loss of respect for the parent as an authority figure.
2. Fairness and Follow Through
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” -Ephesians 6:4
I’ve heard parents utter things like, “I’m gonna kill you!” One would hope it was obvious to a child that his parents wouldn’t actually make good on that kind of threat, but it’s a dangerous idea to communicate to a child. First, it’s a horrid concept. Secondly, it’s an empty threat your child is probably certain you will never carry out.
As I’ve strolled the shopping centers of life, I’ve heard things like, “If you don’t put your train in the toy box, I’m going to throw all your toys away!” Threats and fear aren’t what make a disciplined child. Consistency and fairness are. Don’t waste time and energy making empty threats. Make the punishment fit the crime, be fair and follow through. Then your children will take the rules of your home more seriously and you won’t have to “pound the rules into their heads.”
3. That You Have Time for Them
“What you are shouts so loud in my ears I cannot hear what you say.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
WAHMs tend to be busy moms. We can sometimes look frazzled and frustrated. If we look too busy to talk to our children, they may come to believe we are too busy for them. This can be internalized as being devalued, decreasing their trust and making open communication more difficult-especially as they become teenagers when open communication is vitally important.
Instead of multi tasking or telling them you don’t have time for them now, have them help and (Cinderella told you to whistle, but…) talk while you work. Make sure to spend time, hear them out, make them feel they’re thoughts and feelings have value. Make sure you tell them you’ll be there for them, ready to listen. Be careful of how busy you look and sound. Don’t let them mistake your activity for disinterest or being unavailable.
Discipline is always easier to instill when parents communicate in a clear and consistent manner that is easily interpreted by their children. That clear message must have consequences so it’s vital that they also follow through. Lastly, it’s imperative that parents demonstrate that they are always available to talk to their children and that the lines of communication remain open, especially as children grow into the teen years.
Three Important Things to Communicate When Disciplining Your Children
JoJo Tabares holds a degree in Speech Communication, but it is her humorous approach to communication skills which has made her a highly sought-after Christian speaker and writer. Her articles appear in publications, such as Homeschool Enrichment Magazine, The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, Crosswalk.com and Dr.Laura.com. For more information parent/child communication, check out her upcoming study, Say What You Mean for Moms or visit her website:
www.ArtofEloquence.com
Our communication actually defines our relationships. Healthy relationships require good, effective communication. While we may understand that intellectually, we don’t often give it enough credence or attention. We might admit that effective communication is important for a romantic relationship and, perhaps, a friendship, but we don’t usually think of it as being an important part of our parenting. Children are people too and our relationship wit them requires the same amount of effective communication, not only to have a good relationship, but for the instilling and maintaining of discipline.
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