Sport In Mind
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I spent the next three months where not even football
could heal my pain. I felt bad and wanted to end it all, for
everyone that knew me. I knew I was worth more dead than
I was alive, my bosses hadn’t believed in me, my parents had
never believed in me and my friends thought I was something
I wasn’t. The final straw was when someone questioned my
ability to be a parent. Deep down being a parent was the only
thing that I felt I could do but obviously not right. That night
I went home, took the dog out and cried on the park bench
determined to end my life.
I’d started a new job in transport and knew that lorries
came by at certain times at the night with no care in the world
about speed. So I took my boy out for what I believed was to be
the final time as father and son. We went to a football match,
then went bowling, then to Macdonalds where in the van I told
him words no child should have to hear: “Daddy’s going to be
leaving you, but you’re going to get a better dad, he’s going to
spoil you buy you lots of things and still take you to football”.
That was it, the hardest part was done. That Tuesday I
waited till everyone else was gone, the roads were clear, all I
was waiting for was that big lorry. It came every night, I knew
exactly what I was going to do. I was going to accidentally
walk across the road in front of him and BANG. I’d be gone
and everyone would be about £250,000 better off. No debt,
nothing, everyone would be looked after.
I waited, tears in my eyes, nothing came, I waited longer,
he was about half an hour overdue, nothing. Then came a
Luton van, eyes filled with tears I walked across with him
screeching and stopping milimeters away from me. He got out
and screamed in my face. I got into my car, cried, went home,
cried, went out with the dog cried, came home and ran a knife
over my wrists wanting to slit but knowing I shouldn’t.
The next morning I rang up Iver Heath Doctors surgery.
“Its a two week booking time sir unless it’s an ultimate
emergency,” said the lady. “I tried killing myself,” I said. They
saw me that morning. I was then referred to healthy mind with
an immediate telephone appointment and was to be seen less
than a week later.
When speaking to my doctor I cried, why? I was worried
about not being able to coach. I never felt depression when
helping these kids, when I walked into Sandgate Football Club;
they were my family, they were the people that didn’t judge
me but made me feel human.
At my mental health assessment I was in there 45-50mins,
it was like my fate had been decided for me. When told, “not
to worry” I simply said I’m scared I’ll lose my football. I was
put on medication and counselling both on the phone and in
person. I’d told Steve Kennedy first, he put his arm round me
as I told him at goals, not like a coach or football development
officer but as the father I’d never had. I then told Darren who
arranged to meet me immediately in my local pub to chat and
Lucy who was shocked, disappointed that I’d not come to her.
A few weeks later the mum of one of the players said:
“my mum thinks there’s more to your football coaching.” Her
mum was right. I told her about my battle, and to date she was
the only parent I’d told. To date her mum took me from that
moment under her wing as her own son. I threw myself into
football, playing coaching, I set up a Saturday league team,
coached two children’s teams getting joy out of seeing others
excel through sport.
You see depression is very much real, but sadly for years I
was scared to tell people. Lucy would just spot it as a kid, she
knew when something was up, Steve Kennedy knew from just
one look when he needed to go into father and advisor mode
and still does. However, I still felt a failure and even more so
as an adult.
The only saving grace I had was my family, the football
club. Since then I’ve grown a business which was hard,
8 Issue 81
Dwayne with the Thames Valley Sunday under 7s.
however would have pushed me over the edge a few years ago
due to the debt.
I will next year be walking from Derbyshire to Slough
130 miles over 6 days for Sport in Mind. Whilst I have battled
largely with depression it was football that in my darkest
periods as a child and adult helped me massively. I will also be
working alongside Sport in Mind to provide football sessions
which are aimed at building children’s confidence and self-
esteem whilst also highlighting that there are people they
can go to when situations get unbearable, and I will be trying
to arrange with a member of the NHS to put on many more
mental health workshops.
Why sport in mind? Because they help people through
recovery of mental health illnesses, I want to ensure that other
children both have an outlet like I did but also don’t suffer in
silence like I did.
They say sport is more than just a game, it is, to me;
Sandgate provided a family for me and although not there now
still will be the place I always call home. I know the effects that
sport can have on a life, because it saved mine.
At Thames Valley Dwayne and the Thames Valley
coaches have recently been doing what we believe so far no
grassroots club has done in the area and few in the country
with specialised sessions for those with low confidence, adhd,
autism, and other illnesses viewed as mental health illnesses in
a bid to help as many children become more confident within
football as possible.
This a club effort with all coaches on board which we hope
will youngsters with the confidence to both enjoy the sport and
get kid involved with teams along with the club motto of every
child must play.
Dwayne and his team consisting of what he calls four
other FANTASTIC MEN and after this event will be brothers
for life, Jack Calver, Charlie Merrett, Kenny Griffin and
Ashley Rana hope to raise between £5,000 - £10,000 to ensure
that children in Berks, Bucks and surrounding counties
mental health is looked after through sport.
www.justgiving.com/Dcharity-Runs-walks-crawls1
Text number: 70070 SPIM84 £ (your amount in whole pounds)
to our charity walk.
To find out more please go to: www.sportinmind.org