Sport In Mind
Dwayne with the players that play for the Saturday Thames Valley under 7s
Dwayne McKenzie’s Story
Growing up as a child life was difficult to say the least …
what should have been the strongest of relationships ended up
been the most strained as a child, and this had a massive knock
on effect on confidence issues.
However, at the age of 7 I found two things in what was
a difficult year for me. My bike and football; riding up and
down the road proved to be a first class anti-depressant for
me, playing football even though I wasn’t very good ended up
being the biggest confidence booster.
At the age of 10 I made it into Belmore school year 5 team as
a substitute, I was on the subs bench for every game but from
the moment I put on the team shirt I was a different person.
The smile would last for hours no matter what was going on at
home. In year 6 I was made one of the captains, I still remember
the sea blue shirts and putting on the captain’s arm band over
the arm. I felt like someone believed in me.
In year 7 I was made one of the school captains again, I’ll
never forget our first match. We lost 11-1 and the opposition’s
first goal was an own goal scored by me, I was down but not for
long. Someone believed in me and over the years throughout
the highs and lows of my teens this stood out. This was to be
crucial because there were nights when I would wish that I
wasn’t here. I’d wish that I was dead.
There were a couple of times in my mid-teens where I would
sit out at night on the window ledge from upstairs, or on top of
the extension wanting to drop, fall and kill myself. However,
I was involved in a number of sports in and out of school.
Just when a major drop of confidence would appear, when
something major would happen I knew something would be
around the corner. A training session, school holidays where I
went to various sports centres and did multi-sports.
On a regular basis there would be times when I simply
cried, one simple, perhaps small negative memory would bring
them all back, they didn’t have to be major events just small
moments of negativity which would have a massive impact,
and the only thing that would keep me going was sport.
At the age of 15 I found what was to be my saviour in many
years to come. Sandgate Football Club. Once again, I was far
from the best player, another bench warmer if that but what I
was to find would be a fantastic coach, and a fantastic manager
who almost twenty years on I can still call on. Up until then I’d
only had one person to truly release too; Lucy Cook, my best
friend from aged 11. I then went into coaching aged 16; the
players I coached would be my release and give me enough
confidence to be ok during the bad times.
However, in my mid-twenties my depression had taken
a turn for the worst. By then I’d given up my playing, I was
coaching only which is where I came into contact with Darren
Gotch. Between the three of them they would potentially help
me battle with my feelings of low, worthlessness and not
wanting to be alive.
Darren a fellow grassroots manager at a neighbouring club,
Steve Kennedy my old manager and father figure and Lucy
Cook my best friend. However, I was battling something I
needed help for, still it was the pints with Darren, and more
so the long Saturday afternoons with Steve Kennedy which
kept my depression at bay. There would be some Saturdays
that whatever he was doing at the club I knew I could stay and
help and just talk to him. However, the hidden illness was still
hidden by me, sadly to friends and family too. Many nights
I’d blame myself for things that had happened in my past, I
felt a burden and this feeling wouldn’t go away. The only time
it went away was when I was training. However, then they
would come back.
They’d be pints in the pub, they’d be times when I went out
and brought pills, I’d google the easiest way to die, and many
times when I’d run a knife over my wrists. Then, just after my
son turned three, I planned my end, after having had two jobs,
two failed businesses, a small incident with the police which
resulted in me getting some points on my licence and another
job which was to end I remember feeling the biggest failure
ever.
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