Coming Uncorked
by Michael Campbell
by Michael Campbell
W
ine experts admit that screw-top bottles are easier and
faster to open. They lament that the low-rent caps protect
wine better than cork does. They don’t mind that the cheapest wines
use screw caps, but they hate it when the most expensive wines do
too.
Wine isn’t about convenience. Wine is about tradition. Fussiness.
It’s like NFL football: you can have endless fights with strangers
about what’s more unimportant.
As long as there are wine snobs, there will be corks. Half the fun
of wine is the Uncorking Ceremony. You have to do it right. I don’t
see how there will ever be a “right way” to open a screw-top bottle,
as long as you avoid using your molars.
If there are corks, there will always be corkscrews, which we wine
snobs cherish like our family crest. They come in a plethora of
shapes, colors, and styles that don’t work.
Here are my five favorites:
You can fly!
For everyday wine-opening, I trust my tried-and-true SwingA-Way. By pushing the screw part up and down I can make the ?7v??r??v?( ?2?GF?R&?2f?f?"????2??2??F?BvR?fP?&?GF?R?bv??RF??V????^( ????gFV?6VR6?WfW"?F???FW6?v?V@????6???fg2F?B?fR?VG2??R?V?2?"&?&?G2?"'V???W2?F?W6P?????F?&&?R????W"6?V?FW'F??v?W&RF?W?6??V?B7F??( ?F??( ?B6VR??rF?W&Rv???WfW"&P?( ?&?v?Bv?( ?F??V?67&Wr?F? ?&?GF?R?2???r2??Rf??BW6??p???W"???'2?( ??v??F?f?"???F?R?v??F?R6?VV?V??FF?V&?R???vR?F?P?FVf???67&Wr6?FW2V6????F?6?&???BF?RGv??7FWV??FG0??WfW&vR?B6??gW6W2&Vv???W'2?v??6??2?v?2??6R?&W7B?b?????B?27fV?FRV??Vv?F?B??R6?6??B??F???W"?6?WB?Bf?&vW@?&?WB?B?v??6??2v???V??F2&R????F?R??G2?b?'?'@?6V7W&?G?67&VV?W'2???V?B?R??@?f?"vVV?f?VR?V????f?7??V6???6?v??R?V?W'2??RF?P?&&&?B?v??6?v26???W7BV?F???Bv2?WB?6???VB'?F?R?Vv7???F?R?Vv7??2v??B?f?R??F?VR?'&???R6??G&F???F?B6??0??fW"F?RVFvR?b??W"6?V?FW"?w&"??W"&?GF?R????R??B?F?V??6??F?R?V6???F?F?R?Vv7?( ?2?w2v?F???W"6V6??B??B?W6??p???W"F??&B??B?V??F?v?F?R?VvR??F?R??b??F???rV?6R??@??VW2??Rg&??G&???r???R??S ????F?R'WGF???F?R??7BV?FW'&FVBv??R?V?W"?2GF6?VBF?&??v??S?F?P?7?v?B?v??R??F?V?F??F?W?6??R?WBv?F?fV6WBF?B?W'0?v??R?W?BF????B?B6??BvFW"?&??VBv??Rv????v?2?fR??6R?????F6?V??( ?v?B&V???V?VB&??7B&??v??P?6?W2v2WGF??rG&???&?Rv??P????B?( ?F?Rv??R&???2???FW&???7F?2&?FFW"F??6?&???22??P?F?7V?6RF?R?V?B??VW??r?WBF?R???F????r?"F?B7???2v??R??F?R6??G&F???v?&?2?'WB?B?v??&W2F?R?'f??W2VW7F????( ?v????2?VgF?fW"v??S?( ?v?''???r&?WB??rF??&?FV7B??W"?VgF?fW"v??R?2??P?FWf?6??r7V6??7F?&vR6??F??W ?f?"??b?VFV?&???&??2??V??RF?F?( ?BF?R??F?6R?`?&??v??RBf?'7B?&V6W6RF?P?v??R??F?R&??v2g&???ff?&?FR6???6Rf?"6?V???p???B''W6?W2?v???R&??W2&P???&RV'F??g&?V?F?F??v?72??v?B&V???V?VB&??7B&??v??P?6?W2v2WGF??rG&???&?Rv??R???B??v???R?N( ?2?V?(
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