We’re Doomed. What’s For
Dinner?
by Michael Campbell
G
lobal Warming. Underwear Bombers. Gluten. Life feels
precarious. I’ve gone beyond worrying about where my
next meal is coming from to worrying whether I’ll make it to
happy hour.
To console myself, I make every meal a Last Supper. Not the
broken bread and bloody wine kind, but real comfort food that
will send me to the pearly gates with a happy belly.
and cheese tastes like parents too busy for their kids. It has the
same color and flavor as Hot Wheels track.
What goes with mac and cheese? Ketchup. And regret.
The comfort food I actually do make: grilled cheese sandwiches
with tomato soup. Here’s my recipe: Butter two slices of dense
wheat bread. Butter the pan. Butter the butter. Smear yogurt on
the inside of the bread slices. Do not use nonfat yogurt. This is
a grilled cheese friggin’ sandwich, for Pete’s sake. Lay on some
sharp cheddar cheese and dust lightly with cayenne pepper. If you
are expecting nuclear obliteration or fire-and-brimstone, add a bit
more cayenne. It will help you acclimate.
The recipe for the soup is: open the can.
Show Me the Fat
The foundation of all comfort food is fat. Lard, oil, and butter
all trigger our evolutionary dopamine, signaling “Everything is
fine. Go back to sleep.” Fat feels safe. Fat equals not starving. Fat
is mother’s milk. Heck, boobs are made of fat.
Skinny people make great models because they look like clothes
“Wine, cheese and popcorn are a
hangers. But when you need real comforting, nobody wants a
bony hug.
holy trinity, and it tastes even better
Cheese, the refined offspring of fat, is a brick of happy. Cheese
if you wear flannel jammies.”
needs no cooking, so guys like it. When it melts, it’s like gravy.
Cheese is fat you can hold in your hands. It’s stackable. Without
Cheddar is Better
cheese, nachos are nothing more than corn chip
I love to wrap my arms and legs around a giant bowl of
and hamburger salad.
popcorn, with a side of cheddar cheese and wine. Wine, cheese
and popcorn are a holy trinity, and it tastes even better