Flumes Volume 1: Issue 2 | Page 46

7. The French-Press: I have a friend whose husband is from France. To be fair, I am not entirely sure if this is a French thing, but when you greet him, he comes in not just for the hug, but the kiss, and not just a peck on the cheek. He goes for the mouth. The first time it happened, horrified, I was barely able to swing my head away to the left just in time to feel a warm, wet one on my right cheek. I’m still traumatized.

6. The Full-Body-Press: Again, I am no expert on social interaction, but I’m pretty sure that hugs among friends and acquaintances should be upper body contact only. As the name suggests, a Full-Body-Press is just that. All parts touch. Not good.

5. The Over/Under Arms War: This is when you attempt to hug and the other person tries to put their arm over your shoulder, while you’re simultaneously going over, so your arms collide. Then both of you switch to under at the same time, then back to over. Nervous laughter ensues. Repeat. It really takes all the fun out of the awkward hug.

4. Forcible Hug: This is when you force an extreme non-hugger into a hug. You know all too well it’s a terrible violation of their personal space, especially when they recoil as you approach, your arms extended, their eyes widening in horror, but you can’t seem to stop yourself. “Oh, we’re doing this.”

3. The Over-Exuberant Hug: This is when you accept that this hug is going to

happen, even if it’s the last thing you want, so you overcompensate and latch on, squeezing for all you’re worth, like, “damn it, if I’m going to do this, I want it to mean something!” It’s an odd opportunity for me to press my admittedly boney and flat chest into other women’s generous, soft bosoms. I’m not trying to be the lech-hugger here but it’s just always a mind-blowing experience. “Wow, you have those things. How amazing.”

The Over-Exuberant Hug reminds me of the same dilemma I’ve had in the few awkward religious activities I’ve found myself occasionally engaged in over the years. There’s that moment where it’s expected that everyone holds hands. So I’ll be standing next to some pasty-faced dude I’ve never met, and I guarantee you his hand is sweaty, and now I have to endure contact with his sweaty hand for possibly a minute (a lifetime in hug years) while someone says a prayer. I don’t want the pasty- faced guy to know how awful and uncomfortable this makes me feel, so I give his hand a meaningful squeeze, as if to say “this is great! I love that we are holding hands right now!”

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