Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain LIFE Spring 2015, Issue 11 | Page 25

Professional Advice

are more open and receptive when
they feel understood. Whatever
you do, avoid “but,” when you
want to raise an issue, as in:
“I know you hurt but…” which
promptly negates anything that
comes before it.
3. Acknowledge that your situations are not the same. This may
seem obvious, yet many people
get stuck on expectations around
“equality” or “fairness.” Practice
letting go of thoughts, such as, “I
don’t have pain so I shouldn’t complain or my needs don’t matter…”
or other unhelpful comparisons.
Then, emphasize the ways that
you are in this together: “I hate
that you hurt.” Or, “It’s sad that
traveling is so hard,” being careful to join and not blame. This
can open space to support each
other, whether grieving losses as
a couple, brainstorming creative
adaptation, or expressing appreciation for each other.
4. Look to your partner. Let your
wife know when you do not know
what to do, and enlist her help.
It may seem paradoxical to enlist
help from someone who is suffering. However, everyone needs to
feel valued. People with pain often
feel guilty for imposing on others; and well partners can engage
in protective buffering. Offering
opportunities to support you
can benefit you both. When this
feels like treading into dangerous
territory, practice transparency:
“Sometimes I fear telling you how I

feel because I don’t want to burden
you. Yet if I don’t, I feel really
alone in this.” This kind of radical
genuineness can decrease defensiveness and increase compassion.
5. Start with “what is.” Help each
other grieve and move beyond stories of how life was “supposed to
be.” It helps to identify thoughts,
such as “I / you should be taking
care of more housework, or having
sex,” as judgments and not the
whole truth. By facing the immediate facts, you can work towards the
things you value as a couple. Starting “where you are,” rather than
some notion of where you “should”
be, allows for both acceptance
and creativity. Thus, rather than
dismissing intimacy altogether,
for example, you might brainstorm
about how to be closer in ways that
benefit you both.

and depression. All the good selfcare advice for individuals with
pain applies equ