Fete Lifestyle Magazine October 2021 - Best Of Issue | Page 55

discrimination, and do whatever we can to reduce inequities. We can call people in instead of out – Loretta Ross speaks powerfully about this in her TED talk – “fighting hate should be fun. It’s being a hater that sucks.” Compassion is not acceptance.

Does that mean we cannot get angry? Absolutely not. Anger is ok – as Ruth King writes, “anger is initiatory, not transformative.” And this is where self-compassion comes in: being at the receiving end of inequality and hate, especially when they are systemic and sustained is devastating. Any resulting

reaction, including rage and anger, is deserving of self-compassion. Meaning, you see your own suffering and do whatever you need to take care of yourself.

The same is true in any situation where someone is unfair, unkind, attacking, blaming etc. We can see the suffering – theirs and ours – and set a boundary where appropriate, validate their or our reaction if that is called for, and take any other number of actions. Compassion has a powerful effect on our nervous system, including “decreased activity in the brain’s amygdala, which reacts when we detect a threat” and on the nervous system of the recipient. There are many other mental and physical health benefits to compassion, including increased wellbeing, decreased inflammation, a buffer against stress, lower rates of anxiety and depression, and more – it really is a superpower.

Compassion is also relevant when we have acted unfairly, unkindly, with blame or aggression, or when we have failed to stand up or speak up, to set a boundary, or feel we have let ourselves and others down. Self-compassion is an important first step, and the action that follows might be an apology, an amend, or the commitment to act differently next time.

Compassion is a powerful antidote for shame. Shame is one of the least helpful emotions, it generally leads to defensiveness, attack or shutting down – not to change. Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Access expert Janelle Aaker discusses this in her interview about the role of mindfulness in DEIA work.

Developing compassion is not easy, especially if you did not get good modeling in childhood. It takes practice – but take heart, it is doable and it helps that we are born with a compassionate

instinct. One of the best ways to nurture compassion are mindfulness practices such as lovingkindness and RAIN. I am a big fan of Tara Brach’s work – I think if everyone read her book Radical Compassion the world would be a better place. This is a big topic – please reach out with questions, thoughts, and comments.

Photo Credit Zac Durant