I quickly began to believe that I did not fit into either group and it did not help that as I got older, I realized that I could pass as mixed and some people didn’t believe I was black at all. I almost felt honored to be one step closer to white and felt that I was being treated differently because of it. White boys who claimed they would never be interested in or date a black girl made exceptions for me and people would critique “black movements” such as Black Lives Matter in front of me because they assumed I did not support them.
As I got older, I realized that my lighter hair and skin tone gave me more privilege and rather than using that privilege to speak up and educate people about their prejudices, I just accepted it. I tried to stay out of the sun so I wouldn’t get darker and I never voiced my opinions if they would be deemed too controversial. I stayed silent so I wouldn’t seem “too black”, to both my black and white counterparts.
The subconscious thought of black being worse than other races is very prevalent in young people of color and that thought stayed with me much longer than I realized. It wasn’t until the end of last year that I realized I still did not love my blackness the way I should. Women of color were embracing their natural hair and posting about “black girl magic”, while I still did not feel as though I deserved to celebrate with them. I was still self- conscious and although I had taken strides in a positive direction, it wasn’t until this year that I felt a significant change in myself.
In December, I joined an African American sorority that allowed me to experience a strong sense of community that I had not had before. I was surrounded by so many intelligent, courageous, and extremely diverse women of color who loved who they were and inspired me to do the same. This, in addition to the pop culture phenomenon, Black Panther, began to show me the beauty in my race and how to embody it. The film features a nearly all black cast both in front of and behind the camera, sharing a story of both African heritage and the turmoil African Americans face today. Seeing the film, and finally recognizing the incredible black women in my life, caused me to reflect on why I had been so hesitant to embrace my culture before now.
My beauty and self-worth are not defined by my race, but my race has impacted who I am and how I view myself. For years, I viewed that as a detriment. Now I feel immense pride and joy in being able to embody what it means to have “black girl magic”. I have finally found a way to shamelessly love myself for all that I am and embrace the beauty in my blackness, without fear, disapproval or shame.