I was just out of college and moving up the management ladder at Bloomingdale’s, one of Chicago’s most luxurious department stores. Located on Chicago’s famous “Magnificent Mile”, this is where the rich came to shop. I felt lucky every day heading to work at this exclusive shopping destination that allowed me to pretend that my feelings of lack were all in the past. It was around this time that the Real Housewives of Orange County premiered. The ladies I saw on my screen and in my store reminded me of who I had been trying to be since elementary school. A combination of fancy homes and flashy vacations with a hint of voyeurism had me hooked - I watched every episode of that first season.
I wasn’t just entertained by these women; I wanted to BE them. It seemed so exciting, traveling the world, wearing beautiful clothes, only having to pick fights with people for work. All I had to do was find some old dude with a sketchy heart condition to marry and I’d be set!
Over the last 15 years I’ve seen probably 90% of the episodes produced by the various franchises. I have my favorite cities of course (New York) and the ones I rarely tune into (Dallas). There are casts that have tight family bonds (New Jersey) and brand new folks I can’t turn away from (Salt Lake City). The one common thread among them all is the ridiculousness of these people. Year after year as each cast features different versions of the same argumentative, petty and unsatisfied brats I become less enamored with the glitz and glam. When I first started watching this show I wanted to be like these women. Now I use them as an example of how NOT to be as I develop clear communication between my friends and I.
One of my favorite fights happened at a party in the season 7 finale of Real Housewives of Orange County. One of the women decided to eat a tiny piece of frosting off a cake meant to be cut later on during the evening’s celebration of one of her “friends”. Of course, the whole thing got blown out of proportion, and copious amounts of alcohol didn’t help calm things down. As I watched these two women fight, pulling more and more of the cast into their argument until one of the ladies left in tears, I thought about how different things could have gone if they had been able to be honest with each other. How many times have I been quick to anger rather than acknowledge that I’m actually hurt?
That’s the thing: when you’re used to faking who you are so that people like you, it’s hard to know when to turn that off. It’s easier (at first) to keep up the facade. Eventually though, the weight becomes so heavy it hurts to carry. That’s what happened to me. I was working 70+ hours/week at Bloomingdale’s, barely able to pay my rent yet charging $400 shoes on my credit card because one of my co-workers told me they were cute. I allowed myself to go into massive debt because I thought having the latest fashion would hide the fact that inside I hated myself. I was trying to fix my insides by having the prettiest outside I could craft, but no matter how much I spent I couldn’t buy belief in my own self-worth.
I’m grateful to these women for sharing their stories. Their lack of self-reflection encouraged me to do my own. In that process (with the help of a phenomenal therapist) I’ve realized that self-worth isn’t based on your bank balance, it starts within. And I’m saving so much money on shoes these days.