Losing someone to suicide can leave a complex mix of emotions. Explain how you navigated your own grief while trying to maintain your professional career.
Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to navigate. I took a month’s leave from work to be with my family and process the loss. It's tragic losing anyone suddenly, but for your little brother to choose to leave this earth on his own accord has such a painful effect on a family. There is so much guilt and thoughts of "What did we do wrong?" or "What if I would have done this or that?” I could have saved him. I suffered with the "what if" game for years before I forgave myself.
In those early days, nothing else in the world mattered. I had no motivation to go on TV and talk about the Bears game, broadcasting whether they won or lost felt meaningless. Everything felt empty. I leaned on my twin during this time. He was really the only person I talked to about it. I went back to work eventually, and while my closest friends and colleagues in the sports office knew, it was not something that was talked about. Looking back, I wish I had gotten therapy right away, but I don't think I was ready for that at the time. I didn't grow up in a family that even knew anything about therapy. It was a different time, I'm glad to see that has changed greatly in society. Over time I channeled my grief into learning more about suicide and mental health. Back in 2009, there was a much heavier stigma around the topic. People didn’t talk about it openly. There were no PSA's that said “It’s OK to not feel OK.” While it’s still not completely understood, I think COVID changed a lot about how we view mental health and its importance.
When you think back to Zach’s struggle with depression, what three things do you wish more people understood about mental health?
1. Depression isn’t always visible. Honestly, I don't think Zach would have ever described himself as “depressed.” He had mental health challenges and mood swings, but he wasn’t the stereotypical image of someone who’s down all the time. He was happy-go-lucky, and no one could have imagined he would have taken his own life. He was far from the kid who isolates himself in his room and never behaved how most people envision someone who is "depressed."
2. People often assume drugs or alcohol are always involved with suicide. That wasn’t the case with Zach, in fact he didn’t drink or use drugs at all. Our mom struggled with alcohol for much of her life, and I think that steered him away from it entirely.
3. Another common misconception about suicide is that it’s selfish or cowardly. This actually angers me to hear this. It's a very uneducated take on suicide. In reality, most people who die by suicide are in overwhelming emotional pain and may not fully grasp the finality of their choice or how deeply it will affect their loved ones. The reasons are complex, and for those of us who haven’t been in that place, it’s not something we can fully understand. I feel like Zach often acted erratically and couldn't process five minutes into the future when he was having a tough time with something. If he acted out or got angry about something, he didn’t really think about the consequences, until he cooled down and then was the fun-loving Zach again.