can’t remember a
time in my life
when I wasn’t
worried about
being fat.
I suffered through the indignities of having my BMI measured and announced publicly in gym class and struggling through the Presidential Physical Fitness test twice a year (fuck you, flexed arm hang). I did endless sit-ups in my room in the middle of the night to ensure I would pass. I went on ‘diets’ where I restricted my eationg
before I was 10. I wrote down
everything I ate in my diary. It is a very boring diary.
I look perfectly healthy in old pictures, but as a tall girl, I felt huge by comparison to my petite classmates.
Over the years, I’ve struggled with some body dysmorphia, a malady that the Mayo Clinic defines as a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be
seen by others. This means that my body's shape and size have been a nearly constant obsession to varying degrees for most of my life.
In the past year, I've done a good job managing this issue. My family and I have tried to stay active. I cook most nights, and our plates are colorful and fresh. I’m focused on getting through each day, each week, each month. We have our moments, but we are feeling hopeful and, so far, healthy.
So when our pediatrician told me at a recent check-up that she was concerned about my son’s BMI, I was surprised and stunned. His BMI was 19, putting him in the 93rd percentile for boys his age, just below the CDC's definition of obese.
The doctor lectured me that my son should eat more fruits and vegetables (he’s not a fan); and how I should give him skim milk instead of whole (no, thank you). I mentioned that I thought we were all much more sedentary due to the pandemic, but she brushed me off, saying that studies show that nutrition issues were more to blame than a change in activity levels. I felt irritation growing in my chest.
When she went on to tell me that ‘avocados have a lot of fat,’ I kept quiet and managed to get us through the rest of the appointment, but everything she said after that sounded like an adult from the Peanuts cartoons.
I