HEALTH & WELLNESS CORNER
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COUNSEL
HEALTH & WELLNESS CORNER
A Letter for the Thoughts That Loom
RACHEL FIORELLO
Hi friends,
I was at the gym the other day and made a comment to a friend about a looming thought I have, brought on by an unexpected trip I will be taking next week. He acknowledged that it is a normal thought to have and also surprised me by telling me that he and his wife have the same thoughts when they leave town, too. It made me think even more about all of those uninvited thoughts I have. Thoughts that other parents might sometimes have but that I feel I carry like rocks in my pockets, every single day.
“ What if something happens to me?”
It’ s not morbid( or maybe some of you think it is!). To me, it’ s just math and the reality of our situation. My girls already lost one parent. That changed the equation for us in an instant. There is no longer a margin for error.
I think about it when I get sick. I think about it when I’ m driving alone and it is dark out. I think about it when I’ m walking my dog at night. And I don’ t think these things because I’ m anxious. I think about all of these things because I am my girls’ everything now and that everything feels incredibly fragile at times.
I find myself going through a list of the wild thoughts- who would take my girls, who would know what activities they have and what days / times they need to be there, who would know that one daughter needs to hug me a certain way when I tuck her in at night and the other needs a few minutes to catch up about her day when I tuck her in, and who would also know the same line I say to them every night before I leave their rooms:“ Daddy loves you.”
Some days the weight of being their only living parent feels like being the last thread that holds that delicate seam together. Just one thread when there used to be two.
I watch them laugh at something silly, their whole faces lighting up with such joy, and my heart fills with even more love and pride for them than I had just seconds before. The responsibility isn’ t just being a parent anymore. It’ s existing, persisting, and not checking out when I’ m exhausted or touched-out and done.
It’ s the loneliness of being the only one who carries this specific fear. It seems that other parents have a backup plan or that margin for error still in their family structure. I am our backup plan.
But after hearing my friend express his same thoughts, it reminded me that I can’ t parent from a place of fear. I can’ t live while being scared of my own mortality while also trying to preach the importance of being brave and strong … of teaching my girls to live fully. I can’ t grip so tightly that we all don’ t get a chance to breathe and I also can’ t hold back on doing things for myself just in the case of“ what if”.
So, here’ s what I’ m trying to tell myself when these looming thoughts creep in.
My girls are more resilient than my fear gives them credit for. Yes, they have already lost one parent. But somehow they still wake up and laugh and play and love fiercely( even though I know they miss him so much). They’ ve already survived one of the worst things and that doesn’ t make them fragile. It makes them stronger than I sometimes remember they are.
I’ m really not alone in this( which I talk about in Letters for the Days When You Feel Alone). When those looming thoughts come, it sometimes feels like I am the only person standing between them and another disaster. But then I try to remind myself about the village we have surrounding us- the friends who remember to check in, the people who would move mountains, the neighbors who have become pseudo family. Yes, I’ m the only living parent they have but I’ m not their only person.
Taking care of myself is essential. And so is continuing to live fully. Not just for me but for my girls, too. In doing that, I am honoring what my girls need most- a mom who is healthy, present, and whole. I know their dad would want that for me, too.
( Continued on next pagei)
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