February 2018 Issue #4 Issue 4 Feb 2018 B4Y | Page 35

What I got from the show is that these are the following qualities needed to
be a (gay) porn star. Learn it:
1. You must go to theater school. You’ll be surprised at how quickly you can
go from a Jersey Boys audition to getting DP in Newark.
2. You must be able to spread your butt in just the right way (not too wide,
not too tight) for the director’s taste. This can be extremely tedious and time
consuming, but it’s an art form, I guess. In fact, one of Harder’s characters
deadpans, “I had to bottom my way to the top.” Bravo!
3. There’s endless waiting involved, as Harder describes it. You spend time
waiting to get called for your scene, then waiting for the lights to get set up,
then waiting for your scene partner to get it up, then waiting for the film to
come out, and finally waiting to see how many clicks it’ll get. It’s a real wait
problem.
4. There are some serious dietary restrictions. After all, coconut water is
great, but pineapple juice has fat in it!
5. You have to realize that there are endless ways to conjugate the word
“fuck” from “Fuck me” to “Fuck, yeah,” and you must learn all of them and
improvise new ones. Don’t complain about it—just fu