OP-ED
My two cents on...
Helicopter
Parenting
By Vivien Teng
In this exclusive series, our
guest columnists-parents
weigh in on the issues that
are closest to their hearts.
This month, one parent is
just about ready to put on
the war paint and fight for
her son, but something holds
her back.
I was prepared
to go to battle
for my son in
this instance.
I find great joy and satisfaction in being
a parent. When Evan was born, I threw
myself into my role as a mom with
gusto and enthusiasm. I read parenting
books and articles. I visited parenting
websites. I did flashcards with Evan and
enrolled the both of us in all kinds of baby
programmes (including a baby massage
therapy course which my husband still
brings up as an example of my frivolous
spending). Nevertheless, when Chrissie
arrived a few years later, I did the same. It
was exhilarating to be introduced to this
new world of exploration and discovery, to
experience things vicariously through my
innocent children’s eyes.
Now, Evan is 7-years-old and conquering
new challenges as a Primary 2 student,
while Chrissie is almost 5-years-old and in
Kindergarten. As Evan and Chrissie tread
the path towards maturity and freedom
(for them and me!), I constantly re-evaluate
my role as a mom.
I recently came across this term –
“helicopter parenting”. It means the parent
who is constantly hovering over their
child, who is trying to solve their child’s
problem(s), who oversees, who perfects,
who does things for their child without
letting the child try, who overprotects. An
over-involved parent, so to speak.
Helicopter parenting is said to have a
devastating effect on a child – lack of selfconfidence, lack of independence, inability
to deal with problems, just to name a few –
and is just as bad as neglectful parenting.
Of course, it would be obvious that we, as
parents, would not want to be fall in either
category of extreme parenting. It is also
obvious that we would want the best for
our children and want to have them grow
up as well-adjusted, thoughtful, helpful,
kind, polite, well-mannered individuals
while still retaining their spunky
personalities (in Evan’s and Chrissie’s case,
though, they might be a little too spunky).
But, I realise that I find it hard to reach a
balance between being over-parenting and
being involved.
Especially when my kids, not too long
ago, were helpless infants who depended
on me for every single thing – feeding,
bathing, putting them to sleep, kissing
away hurt fingers, everything. I cheered
them on when they took their first step,
uttered their first word (“mama” for both)
and drew their first unrecognisable stick
figures. But, they are now in school (preschool for Chrissie and primary school
for Evan), and I wonder, whether it is
time to let go.
Especially when I am a working mom, and
time with my kids is precious. In a way,
46
Family & Life • Sept 2013
..by taking a
step back, so
that they can,
in my absence,
discover
their own
strengths
and harness
their potential.
I feel guilty about being away from them
when I am working and am therefore more
indulgent than I ought to be.
I thought that being nurturing was the
defining aspect of a parent. I hug, kiss,
encourage, read, play, laugh, craft and
do all sorts of things with my kids. The
disciplinarian part of parenting was not
natural for me, but I am getting the hang
of it.
However, I recognise now that there is also
another aspect of me that wants to mow
down hedges and obstacles standing in the
way of my children’s happiness, to lash out
at people who make my kids cry, especially
those who hurt, humiliate, malign or
belittle them. I, a non-confrontational
pacifist, would turn into a proverbial
lioness to protect my cubs.
Recently, Evan did poorly for a test. He
was careless and missed out words from a
sentence restructuring exercise (resulting
in the entire section being marked wrong).
In this exercise, the words are all jumbled
up and one had to string the words into a
coherent sentence. It sounds easy, but it is
rather difficult when it is in Chinese. Evan
had actually conscientiously numbered the
words, but in copying them onto the line
below, he had missed some words out. I
was not worried, since I thought that Evan
essentially knew his work. I just reminded
him to do his work more conscientiously in
the future.
I only found out later that week (from
Evan’s classmates, not from Evan) that the
Chinese teacher had made Evan stand up
in class and mocked him. The Chinese
teacher said that Evan was not fit to be in
his Chinese class and asked him to carry
his bag to the next class.
I was furious when I found out. I wanted to
confront the teacher, and give him a piece
of my mind and ban him from ever coming
near my child again. It is okay to discipline
my child if he had been disruptive, naughty,
disobedient or inattentive. I understand
that. But when a child is not doing well in
a subject? Wouldn’t it be our responsibility
as parents and educators to teach this child
instead of humiliating him?
I was prepared to go to battle for my son in
this instance.
Yet, in doing so, am I assuming fragility
instead of resilience and tenacity in my
children? Are they unable to take a little
drilling, a few harsh words? If I am there
to wipe away every tear, what message am
I sending to my children? If I defend them
at every single turn, how will they learn to
defend themselves?
To love my children is to equip them for
life. And just as it is not possible to feed
them or bathe them the way I did when
they were younger, I can no longer *do*
everything for them if I want them to stride
towards maturity.
And so, after careful consideration, I have
decided to empower Evan and Chrissie
by taking a step back, so that they can, in
my absence, discover their own strengths
and harness their potential. I will be there,
should they ever need me. But it is not
necessary, and indeed it is presumptuous,
to assume that I am needed all the time.
I will leave it to Boy and Girlie to let me
know if I am needed. And maybe in some
circumstances, I can go one step further by
telling them that I am NOT needed because
they can very well handle that situation on
their own. Wouldn’t that be something?
So, I didn’t confront his teacher. But I did
speak to Evan about the incident. Evan
said he was not upset with his teacher
because his teacher probably wanted to
motivate him to do well. And, from that
conversation, I am convinced that, it is the
right time to let go.