FOCus
HardNight
It’s A
With his polo tee and
defined forearms, Yap
Vong Hin might strike an
onlooker as your typical,
no-nonsense father who
works hard for his family.
Well, that isn’t actually far
from the truth. Vong Hin
does work hard, just not in
the role that most people
would expect. Vong Hin is
a stay-at-home Dad.
Day’s
By Farhan Shah
It takes a special man to be a stayat-home Dad, to be unruffled by any
remarks thrown his way and to see
his supposed self-worth, measured by
your earning capacity, diminish in our
traditional Asian society.
Dr Lim Poh Lian fell in love with
that special man when their paths
crossed 15 years ago in the US. It was
a mutual friend who played the role
of Cupid.
“My friend said to me, ‘You know,
there is this guy I would like you to
meet.’ And I went, ‘Okay sure.’ After
all, I had nothing to lose. If things
did not work out, then at the very
least, I’ve made a new friend,” Dr Lim
reminisces, laughing at the memory.
That man was Yap Vong Hin.
Fortunately, things did work out
between Dr Lim and Vong Hin, and
they began seeing each other in spite
of the distance between them; Vong
Hin was working in California while Dr
Lim was practising in New Orleans.
Six months after they crossed paths,
while backpacking around Europe,
Vong Hin went down on one bended
knee in Salzburg.
We have never
looked at work
as the thing that
defines us or
money being the
determinant of
our self-worth.
Fifteen years and three children
later, the two of them are happily
married, raising their family in a
quiet neighbourhood at the north of
Singapore, with a dog in tow.
“When we first moved to Singapore,
for about a year and a half, we were
both working full-time, dropping off
the kids at the childcare centre at 7
in the morning before returning 12
hours later to pick them up,” says
Poh Lian. “After a while, we realised
that this was probably not very good
for the kids. They spent more time in
childcare than they did with us.”
Vong Hin graciously stepped down
from his architecture career to stay at
home with the children.
It was a decision borne out of passion
and practicality. Dr Lim had a great
desire to continue helping people. She
also earned more than Vong Hin.
“The benefits are better too when you
are a doctor!” Dr Lim says, chuckling.
12
Family & Life • Nov 2013
It has been an
arrangement that has
served them well for
close to a decade and
although they had to make
a couple of trade-offs such
as living more modestly and
giving up certain extravagances, the
happiness they received in return far
exceeded what they gave up – being
there for their children every step of
the way.
For Vong Hin, making the switch from
an office cubicle to home turf was a
seamless transition. After all, back in
the US, the kids were mostly left to his
able hands on weekends while Dr Lim
went to work.
What was slightly more difficult was
dealing with the ill-meaning advice
from well-meaning friends and family
members, most of whom had never
come across such different gender
dynamics in a family. Vong Hin usually
just waves away the comments.
“We don’t care what [they] think. Most
of my friends know me well enough
not to try to impose their opinions
on me because they know that my
wife and I never do things on a whim.
We understand the cultural reasons
but when we disagree, we are quite
firm with our stance and not easily
swayed,” says Vong Hin, cutting an
impressive and imposing figure with
his arms crossed across his chest.
Indeed, such an arrangement could
only work in Singapore if both husband
and wife are on the same page and in
this household, Dr Lim and Vong Hin
are singing the same tune.
As Dr Lim jokes, she is the “Minister
of Finance and Trade & Industry”
while Vong Hin is the “Minister
for Education, Home Affairs and
Culture, Youth & Sports”, and the
both of them work together to keep
the household progressing forward
like a well-oiled nation.
The three kids – two of whom are
taking their Primary School Leaving
Examinations this year with the eldest
one in NUS High School – also help
with the household chores, cleaning
the toilets (“one toilet for each
child!”), washing the clothes, and
clearing the dishes.
Their refreshing perspectives on
each other’s roles and responsibilities
is a welcome change from the
dominant patriarchal view most
Singaporeans hold.
“We have never looked at work as the
thing that defines us or money being
the determinant of our self-worth. I
value the work he does as much as
my own work because I know how
hard it can be at home,” says Dr Lim.
“You never feel like you achieve as
much at home as compared to at
work because there are no projects,
timelines or KPIs. But, when you step
back after two or three years and
realise how far your children have
developed, you realise the difference
you’ve made in their lives.”
“His work, which is taking care of the
kids, is as real as mine and the fact
that the work is paid or not paid is
immaterial to the value of the work,”
Dr Lim extols.
Work.
It has been the central theme of our
conversation so far and when I ask
Vong Hin whether he had any advice
for families who are considering
heading down the path he has carved
out, it’s no surprise that work pops up
once again.
“Being a stay-at-home Dad is not
as easy as you think. There is a lot
of work involved, most of which will
most probably go unappreciated.
But, if the reason you’re doing it is
important enough to you, then go
ahead and do it, regardless of what
people say,” says Vong Hin.
After all, Vong Hin is only famous for
being a male doing what every female
homemaker around the world does on
a daily basis.
And it is hard work. Very hard work.