HOW TO MAKE UP WITH THAT ESTRANGED LOVED ONE
This Christmas
Some of us can ’ t truly enjoy the Christmas season as much as we would like to because of the numbing pain of a broken relationship or friendship . Amidst the festivities , the delectable cuisine , the flickering lights and the joy all around , we feel the emptiness , loss and hurt of not being in fellowship with someone very special , someone who was very close to us , but based on something that happened or didn ’ t happen , the relationship is strained and you are no longer on good terms . Whether you are the person who was hurt or the one who did the hurting , Family and Faith Magazine is pleased to share some practical insights on how to restore a broken relationship . We spoke with the extremely knowledgeable and experienced Dr . Barry Davidson , respected Christian counselor and CEO of Family Life Ministries , who told us about some of the key elements for reconciliation – forgiveness , remorse and rebuilding trust .
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Forgiveness is an act of will .
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Have you truly forgiven the person who hurt you ?
Forgiveness is perhaps the most frequently discussed issue when it comes to restoring relationships . Maybe because it is something the Lord Jesus has required of believers : “ Be kind to one another , tenderhearted , forgiving one another , as God in Christ forgave you .” ( Ephesians 4:32 ). To carry out this command , some persons say that forgiveness is simply a decision that we make based on obedience to God ’ s word . But how can you know when you have truly forgiven someone ? According to Dr . Davidson , true forgiveness happens when the person who was hurt is in a position to wish the offender well . He also told Family and Faith Magazine what he considers to be the ‘ 5 truths about forgiveness ’.
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• Forgiveness is an act of the will . It is not just something in your head ; you have made up your mind and are willing to forgive .
• Forgiveness is very costly . It cost Jesus His life , it is going to cost you your pride . Most times , the victim wants to see that person ( who hurt them ) suffer , so to really decide that you don ’ t want them to suffer is costly in that sense .
• Forgiveness should be expressed verbally and specifically . You need to be able to say to the person ‘ I forgive you ’ and tell them exactly what you are forgiving them for .
• Forgiveness is not conditional , so you are not going to say to the person ‘ I forgive you if you promise me that you will never do this again .’
• Forgiveness is not impossible . ‘ I can ’ t forgive you ’ really means ‘ I won ’ t forgive you .’
It is stupid to trust someone who is not trustworthy
Nevertheless forgiveness is only one aspect of reconciliation . Another important part is rebuilding trust , which Dr . Davidson maintains is the responsibility of the offender . “ You have to forgive in order to be healed of hurt , in order to be in a position to be reconciled . But you don ’ t have to trust after you have forgiven the person , you may , but your forgiveness can be sincere even if you don ’ t trust the person ,” he explained . He warned that if you have forgiven someone who is not trustworthy and you begin to trust that person again ; you are exposing yourself to danger for which reconciliation becomes almost impossible . “ A common mistake that pastors make is that they equate trust with forgiveness … but trust is something that is earned . ( With regards to ) the person who cheated or the person who physically abused his wife ( for example ), for her to stupidly trust him back in her space would indeed stupid ,” Dr . Davidson admonished .