The Good, the Bad and the Funny
19
Kate Harmon
Kate provided long-distance support to her father, Bob.
My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’ s disease in 2006. At that time, my parents were living in central Florida; I was attending college in Virginia, and my sister Emily lived about an hour away from them. For a long time, Dad managed his Parkinson’ s well. Around the time of the COVID-19 pandemic, things started to decline. When Emily decided to move to Texas in 2021, we knew we needed to make a plan, because Dad had started showing signs of dementia.
We made sure my mom knew who to call for what, but when you’ re the one living it every day, it’ s exhausting. Emily and I each had our roles: Emily called them daily. I was the“ fixer”— the one Mom called when she didn’ t know what to do. When Dad started having delusions( believing in scenarios or situations that never happened or aren’ t true), Mom would hand the phone off to us. At one rehab facility, a social worker was rude to Mom, and I handled it. Sometimes you need a person who’ s not afraid to be the bad cop.
Eventually, Emily and I realized we couldn’ t assess things from afar. I flew down and immediately saw that things needed to change. I set up in-home support so Mom could get out of the house. We added small things to make their home, and their lives, safer. We also organized outside help for Mom. I’ d text her friends to ask if they could visit or bring lunch.
My family always found ways to laugh, because if you’ re not laughing, you’ re crying. Even when things were absurd, we found humor. When Dad was in hospice, Mom said at one point,“ We probably shouldn’ t be laughing so much.” I told her that if Dad woke up, he’ d be pissed that we were sitting there quietly. Laughter and connection kept us going.
So many parents will say,“ Don’ t upend your life for me.” Having systems in place to help care for them relieves the guilt— both theirs and yours. It helps you make sure you’ re thinking ahead, not just about your ill parent, but about your parent who’ s doing the care partnering as well. What if something happens to them? You need contingency plans for that, too.
My parents had their wills, powers of attorney and health care directives in place. We kept digital and paper copies of everything. That helped when critical moments came up. When Dad was in the ICU, Mom called and said,“ You need to come.” She asked if we wanted her to put in a breathing tube until we got there, and we said no. I pulled Dad’ s documents up on my phone and read it aloud. That wasn’ t what he wanted. I have no guilt about how we protected Dad and enacted his wishes and legacies because I knew what to do.
Walking your parent— the person who raised you, who named you, whose eyes match yours— to the end of their life changes you forever. You’ re never mentally or even physically prepared for the thing that starts the ticking clock toward the end. Give yourself grace. It’ s hard and it’ s heartbreaking, but you do it because of love.