FACES - YWAM Singapore Issue.2017 - Page 9

On the surface , Colleen appears to be a stellar Christian . She has served faithfully in church ministry for 10 years – she headed her church ’ s production team and was a cell group leader and spiritual mentor to many youths . To top off that dazzling resume , she ’ s been a full-time staff at YWAM Singapore for 7 years , and most recently , spent a year on the mission field in Myanmar . But few people knew how broken she was , even as she was serving God .
As a child , Colleen struggled with issues of rejection and a lack of self-worth . This was aggravated by a father who left home after much conflict and tension , and school made it even worse . She was the outcast , taunted and spat on by classmates as frequently as every day .
In her teens , Colleen struggled with bouts of uncontrollable rage , loneliness and self-hatred . She earned friends by lavishing them with money and gifts , and studied extremely hard , in hope of proving her worth through academic success . But she didn ’ t do well at school . She felt like a failure ; she was someone that no one wanted around . Her self-hatred incited the act of cutting herself and thoughts of ending her life . But at the age of 15 , with nothing to lose , she turned back to God .
Life did not become miraculously easier . At 18 , she was crushed by the death of her mother who fell gravely ill . Her already-fragile family , unable to cope with the grief and anger at their loss , became turbulent . Colleen fought hard to hold what was left of her family together , but they became increasingly abusive ( emotionally ), and she had to leave home . Every Sunday , she would break down during worship to cry and rage at God , “ If you are good , if you are here with me , then why did this happen to my family ?”
In those times , she felt that God would take her to a place beyond the music , and simply embrace her . And in that hard place , she learnt about the sovereignty of God . “ I ’ ve stopped asking Him the ‘ why ?’ questions . I ’ ve learnt instead to say , ‘ God , be it good or bad , You are in control ’. Initially , I was passive and would think , ‘ Nothing I do is right anyway . So God , do whatever you want .’ But over time , I could not deny that He was there . I ’ m alive today because He is , and has been with me . He is in control .”
Serving at YWAM has taught Colleen true dependence on God . She always had to strive for acceptance , even when she was serving in ministry . It was her way of buying God ’ s love . “ Ministry was an idol in my life . It was my mask ,” she admitted . “ I could not believe that God would still love me if I didn ’ t earn it .” After the death of her mother and the instability of her family , she lost the strength to hold onto that mask , and found herself breaking down repeatedly . “ I was barely functioning , but even when I couldn ’ t perform , YWAM didn ’ t reject me . They just loved me and gave me a safe space to cry .” Through the YWAM community , God demonstrated His unconditional love for her – even when she could do nothing , she was still worthy of love . He also taught her to embrace her weaknesses ; when she no longer has the strength to hold on , His sustaining grace will be sufficient .
God showed Colleen that He can use anyone , even the most broken vessels . When He called her to Myanmar , Colleen responded in doubt , “ God , did you call the right person ? My family is in pieces and I am so broken . I have nothing to give .
WOULD YOU SEND A BROKEN PERSON TO A BROKEN NATION ?”
God returned her objections with a simple question , “ Will you trust Me ?”
Colleen chose to believe in God and spent the next year in Myanmar , trusting Him everyday . “ Because of the language barriers , traffic conditions , and lack of infrastructure , my safety was perpetually at risk . Simple activities became impossible tasks . Each time I got home safely , I thanked God with all my heart because I knew that He was there with me .”
“ Perhaps God uses broken people because in our brokenness and inability to do anything , God shows Himself to be true . And we know that we cannot live apart from Him .”
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On the surface, Colleen appears to be a stellar Christian. She has served faithfully in church ministry for 10 years – she headed her church’s production team and was a cell group leader and spiritual mentor to many youths. To top off that dazzling resume, she’s been a full-time staff at YWAM Singapore for 7 years, and most recently, spent a year on the mission field in Myanmar. But few people knew how broken she was, even as she was serving God. there. I’m alive today because He is, and has been with me. He is in control.” Serving at YWAM has taught Colleen true dependence on God. She always had to strive for acceptance, even when she was serving in ministry. It was her way of buying God’s love. “Ministry was an idol in my life. It was my mask,” she admitted. “I could not believe that God would still love me if I didn’t earn it.” After the death of her mother and the instability of her family, she lost the strength to hold onto that mask, and found herself breaking down repeatedly. “I was barely functioning, but even when I couldn’t perform, YWAM didn’t reject me. They just loved me and gave me a safe space to cry.” Through the YWAM community, God demonstrated His unconditional love for her – even when she could do nothing, she was still worthy of love. He also taught her to embrace her weaknesses; when she no longer has the strength to hold on, His sustaining grace will be sufficient. As a child, Colleen struggled with issues of rejection and a lack of self-worth. This was aggravated by a father who left home after much conflict and tension, and school made it even worse. She was the outcast, taunted and spat on by classmates as frequently as every day. In her teens, Colleen struggled with bouts of uncontrollable rage, loneliness and self-hatred. She earned friends by lavishing them with money and gifts, and studied extremely hard, in hope of proving her worth through academic success. But she didn’t do well at school. She felt like a failure; she was someone that no one wanted around. Her self-hatred incited the act of cutting herself and thoughts of ending her life. But at the age of 15, with nothing to lose, she turned back to God. God showed Colleen that He can use anyone, even the most broken vessels. When He called her to Myanmar, Colleen responded in doubt, “God, did you call the right person? My family is in pieces and I am so broken. I have nothing to give. WOULD YOU SEND A BROKEN Life did not become miraculously easier. At 18, she was crushed by the deat ȁѡȁݡ)Ʌٕ䁥!ȁɕ䵙Ʌ䰁չѼ)ݥѠѡɥȁЁѡȁ̰)ɉձи ՝ЁɐѼݡЁ݅́)ȁѽѡȰЁѡ䁉ɕͥ)ͥٔѥ䤰͡Ѽٔ)ٕMչ䰁͡ݽձɕݸɥݽ͡)Ѽ䁅ɅЁq%ԁɔԁɔ)ɔݥѠѡݡ䁑ѡ́Ѽ䁙t)AIM=8Q< I=-89Q%=8t)ɕɹȁѥ́ݥѠͥՕѥ+q]ԁЁ5t) ͔ѼٔЁѡ)啅ȁ5兹Ȱѥ!ٕ呅七q ͔)ѡՅɥ̰Ʌѥ̰)ɅՍɔ݅́ͅՅ䁅Ёɥͬ)Mѥ٥ѥ́ͥх̸ͭѥ)$Ёͅ䰁$ѡݥѠ䁡)͔$܁ѡЁ!݅́ѡɔݥѠt)%ѡ͔ѥ̰͡ЁѡЁݽձхȁѼ)役ѡͥͥ䁕Ʌȸ)ѡЁɐ͡ɹЁЁѡͽٕɕ)q'eٔѽͭ!ѡaݡdՕѥ̸)'eٔɹЁѕѼͅ䰃aЁȁe)ɔɽd%ѥ䰁$݅́ͥٔݽձѡ+a9ѡ$́ɥЁ݅丁Mݡѕٕ)ԁ݅лd Ёٕȁѥ$ձЁѡЁ!݅+qAɡ͕́́ɽ͔)ɽ́Ѽѡ͡)!͕ѼՔݔ܁ѡЁݔЁٔ)Ёɽ!t(