That lingering loneliness, borne out of singleness
was out to thwart my fulfilment in life. Conversations
with most of my friends who eventually got married
naturally veered into the realm of ‘be fruitful and
multiply’, and that connection with other human
beings became increasingly elusive. God’s goodness
to me soon became contingent on His provision of
an amazing life partner I could start a family with.
But the memory of a broken engagement, and the
unexpected death of my father, remind me that we all
tread the surety of unprecedented loss, and a security
in God is most enduring.
Beyond human connection, it’s intimacy that we
truly seek in relationships. Intimacy, I’ve discovered,
is interlocked with vulnerability; where I reveal my
weaknesses, frailties and insecurities – my true self
– in hope that you won’t reject me. But two flawed
human beings with imperfections that rub each other
the wrong way will never attain the deep intimacy
burgeoned with God, who accepts you fully, and
always. I’d never have thought that He, who calls each
star by name, would pursue me so relentlessly, opening
up a bottomless canyon in my chest that swells with
the fascination of who He is, reflected in the beauty
of creation, and the dizzying complexities of our lives.
But I didn’t always feel safe with God. There was a
time when my awareness of His presence and interest
in every detail of my life was deterred by the skewed
proj ections of my own earthly father. My dad was
a good role model and provider. He was noble in
character, worked very hard and in my opinion, he was
a great dad. But the father-daughter intimacy – that
language of emotional precision – and the physical,
spiritual and emotional covering that I longed for
were absent. My youth was free from the curfews and
regulations that curtailed uninhibited freedoms, and I
could’ve easily abused my independence, but I didn’t
want to disappoint my father. I couldn’t ascertain that
he would still love me if my conduct was unacceptable,
and this doubt inhibited my ability to be vulnerable
with him. So I always did the right thing. Did it even
matter to him? I never knew.
My heart is safe with Him, and my appropriate
response is to find out from my Father, who He created
me to be.
SINGLE OR NOT, WHAT MATTERS
MORE IS THAT I CONTINUE ON THIS
JOURNEY TO WHOLENESS AND
BEING COMPLETELY SATISFIED IN
WHO HE MADE ME TO BE.
I used to put a lot of hope in finding someone who can
fully appreciate and validate me as a person, but I’ve
shepherded that hope towards being the person God
wants me to be: to be complete, without craving value
from another human being. Only He wields the right to
speak truth into my significance and identity because
He is God – my Maker, and the Creator of the infinite
universe whose farthest reaches are measurable by
the span of His hand.
I couldn’t grieve when my father died, and it hit me
that apart from the physical person, I didn’t know who
my own father was to me. As I sought for answers, I
inadvertently diverted my attention towards God,
engaging with Him on my issues rather than apart
from Him, allowing Him to challenge my views. As I
drew closer to God, intimacy and wholeness drove out
my loneliness and insecurities. And it re-aligned my
understanding of who my Father is to me.
All that I do needs to come from a place of wholeness
and significance that is anchored in Him, especially
if I want to be that voice, which captures the beauty
of who God is, and communicate it through creative
expressions in diverse ways, manners and forms.
Creativity is a way of life, and as an individual, I have
the power to interpret a situation and respond to
it. Every response has an implication on the future,
regardless of its triviality or magnitude. But when
the creation of man passes away, all that’s left is the
promise of a perspective that’s eternal. And everything
I do will only matter if it brings me closer to my Father.
Noelle did her DTS in Germany in 2013 and
worked with an arts ministry there for 2 years before
joining YWAM Singapore. She hopes to incorporate
her vision for the arts in discipleship and missions.