FACES - YWAM Singapore Issue.2017 - Page 25

That lingering loneliness, borne out of singleness was out to thwart my fulfilment in life. Conversations with most of my friends who eventually got married naturally veered into the realm of ‘be fruitful and multiply’, and that connection with other human beings became increasingly elusive. God’s goodness to me soon became contingent on His provision of an amazing life partner I could start a family with. But the memory of a broken engagement, and the unexpected death of my father, remind me that we all tread the surety of unprecedented loss, and a security in God is most enduring. Beyond human connection, it’s intimacy that we truly seek in relationships. Intimacy, I’ve discovered, is interlocked with vulnerability; where I reveal my weaknesses, frailties and insecurities – my true self – in hope that you won’t reject me. But two flawed human beings with imperfections that rub each other the wrong way will never attain the deep intimacy burgeoned with God, who accepts you fully, and always. I’d never have thought that He, who calls each star by name, would pursue me so relentlessly, opening up a bottomless canyon in my chest that swells with the fascination of who He is, reflected in the beauty of creation, and the dizzying complexities of our lives. But I didn’t always feel safe with God. There was a time when my awareness of His presence and interest in every detail of my life was deterred by the skewed proj ections of my own earthly father. My dad was a good role model and provider. He was noble in character, worked very hard and in my opinion, he was a great dad. But the father-daughter intimacy – that language of emotional precision – and the physical, spiritual and emotional covering that I longed for were absent. My youth was free from the curfews and regulations that curtailed uninhibited freedoms, and I could’ve easily abused my independence, but I didn’t want to disappoint my father. I couldn’t ascertain that he would still love me if my conduct was unacceptable, and this doubt inhibited my ability to be vulnerable with him. So I always did the right thing. Did it even matter to him? I never knew. My heart is safe with Him, and my appropriate response is to find out from my Father, who He created me to be. SINGLE OR NOT, WHAT MATTERS MORE IS THAT I CONTINUE ON THIS JOURNEY TO WHOLENESS AND BEING COMPLETELY SATISFIED IN WHO HE MADE ME TO BE. I used to put a lot of hope in finding someone who can fully appreciate and validate me as a person, but I’ve shepherded that hope towards being the person God wants me to be: to be complete, without craving value from another human being. Only He wields the right to speak truth into my significance and identity because He is God – my Maker, and the Creator of the infinite universe whose farthest reaches are measurable by the span of His hand. I couldn’t grieve when my father died, and it hit me that apart from the physical person, I didn’t know who my own father was to me. As I sought for answers, I inadvertently diverted my attention towards God, engaging with Him on my issues rather than apart from Him, allowing Him to challenge my views. As I drew closer to God, intimacy and wholeness drove out my loneliness and insecurities. And it re-aligned my understanding of who my Father is to me. All that I do needs to come from a place of wholeness and significance that is anchored in Him, especially if I want to be that voice, which captures the beauty of who God is, and communicate it through creative expressions in diverse ways, manners and forms. Creativity is a way of life, and as an individual, I have the power to interpret a situation and respond to it. Every response has an implication on the future, regardless of its triviality or magnitude. But when the creation of man passes away, all that’s left is the promise of a perspective that’s eternal. And everything I do will only matter if it brings me closer to my Father. Noelle did her DTS in Germany in 2013 and worked with an arts ministry there for 2 years before joining YWAM Singapore. She hopes to incorporate her vision for the arts in discipleship and missions. 23