EXPLORING TRANSITION
SUPPORTING YOUR TEENS
THROUGH YOUR DIVORCE
Family separation is one of the biggest and potentially most disruptive transitions
that a child can face – and it has particular challenges for adolescents.
Exploring Teens interviewed Professor Jennifer McIntosh to discover more.
T
here is a myth that it is better to separate
or divorce when your children are teens
than when they are young. On the up side,
teens have the cognitive powers to question,
reflect and rationalise, and the ability to
understand that parents have a spousal
relationship, which can assist with positive
readjustment. They have networks and peer
support relationships, and 40 per cent of
them will have friends whose parents are
separated or will separate. Many parents
wait until their children complete Y12 before
separating; however, family separation can
significantly disrupt older adolescents’ lives.
We now know that between age 18 and 23
is a VERY vulnerable stage of a person’s
development.
Despite this, we cannot expect teens to
live with overt conflict between their parents,
a toxic relationship or emotional or physical
violence. Teens in these situations can
benefit from a low conflict separation that is
well handled and does what it is supposed
to do, which is make things better.
The way parents separate is key to an
adolescent’s ability to adjust. High-conflict
separation has a profound impact on the
emotional development of all children.
Teenagers are necessarily preoccupied
with their entry into the adult world, and they
need parents to function as launch pad.
Unfortunately, separating parents are usually
emotionally preoccupied for some time –
adults usually need at least a year to get to a
point of equilibrium.
Many teens in high-conflict separations will
be far more likely to leave school early than
those whose parents who don’t separate
during adolescence, or whose parents
manage separation well. They are also
more likely to have teen pregnancies, failed
relationships, or adopt risk-taking behaviour.
In any separation, the golden rule is to
resolve your emotions, and not make this
your child’s business. Keep the conflict low,
keep it manageable and get support early
if you need it. It is normal for parents to feel
bad and angry; it is not normal for children to
feel frightened, perplexed or overwhelmed.
Remember that how you feel about your
ex-partner is very different to what your
child feels about their mother or father. The
parent-child relationship is unique and the
good in it needs to be fostered.
How do you promote a seamless
transition for the child moving
between two families?
First make sure the arrangement suits the
child. While it may have suited everyone at a
younger age, many teens opt out of a 50/50
arrangement. According to The Australian
Institute of Family Studies, 14 years seems
to be the age when teens vote with their
feet. Fortunately, good separation outcomes
are not determined by the amount of time
parents spend with their child, but what they
do with it and how it is managed. The most
common complaint teenagers have in living
between two homes is parents who adopt
the ‘It’s my time with you’ approach - and
blocks or makes difficult contact with the
off-duty parent, even when the child really
needs or wants to connect with that parent.
Wherever possible, show teens that you
are able to be in the same place as their
other parent when it matters, e.g. prize
giving, graduation etc. Teens need their
parents to be able to share delight and joy
at significant events. Be ‘bigger, stronger,
wiser and kind’. If you have problems with
that, get help.
Behaviour is a form of communication,
and inevitable adolescent rebellion is a myth
rather than a given. If your teen is displaying
negative moods, anger or lethargy that lasts
more than three weeks, or an extreme bouts
of any troubling behaviour – look into it.
Major value based differences in parent
expectations and discipline in the two
ho