[ name ] for winning Venue of the Year .” We mean : “ The judges cannot be serious .”
We say : “ To succeed in this business I promise you need just three things - hard work , determination and honesty .”
We mean : “ The three things which seem to work here are : style over substance , appearance over reality , and if you don ’ t know the answer then change the question .”
“ We believe the future is digital …” We say : “ Thank you very much coming along and giving us such an interesting insight into your thoughts for the future . There are some intriguing questions for us to ponder , so let us get back to you .” We mean : “ No ” We say : “ That ’ s a really helpful follow up to your suggestions .” We mean : “ Still no ” We say : “ Yes , the sales numbers have dipped the last couple of weeks , but the pipeline is really , really strong .”
We mean : “ Please don ’ t keep looking at the sales graph .”
We say : “ We believe that the future is digital and are recalibrating our resources .” We mean : “ I read this book by AMR ...”
We say : “ It ’ s my fault for not explaining the budget carefully enough ” We mean : “ It ’ s your fault ”
“ The company is so much more focussed now …” We say : “ Are you holding that graph upside down ?”
We mean : “ Christ , are the sales really that bad .”
We say : “ We are great supporters of the democratic process and feel strongly that everyone has the right to express their sincere beliefs at the ballot box .”
We mean : “ We don ’ t employ Brexiteers .”
We say : “ Of course we respect your views and admire your honesty in expressing them .”
We mean : “ Read my lips : We will never employ Brexiteers .”
We say : “ I have just a few minor comments on your marketing plan .”
We mean : “ Please re-write the whole thing ”
“ I hear what you say ….”
We say : “ I hear what you say ” We mean : “ Shut up ” We say : “ We must have lunch to discuss your new event idea ” We mean : “ Please don ’ t call me to try to arrange lunch .” We say : “ Could we consider some other options for the Show logo ?” We mean : “ That ’ s garbage ” We say : “ I might join you later at the pub to continue our discussion ” We mean : “ I ’ m going straight home ” We say : “ That new operations manager is very intelligent you know .” We mean : “ Phew .” We say : “ How are you today ?” We mean : “ Please don ’ t tell me ” We say : “ We reached out to 35,000 contacts and we had 114,567 clicks on the website , 203,689 on the various digital features and 45,876 Facebook views .”
We mean : “ We employ this data optimisation company who say they can measure these things . I have no idea how they do it or what it means .”
Other suggestions gratefully received . EN
February — 33