DEVELOPMENT
THE EXPERT
Karen Gately , founder of Corporate Dojo , is a leadership and peoplemanagement specialist . Karen works with leaders and HR teams to drive business results through the talent and energy of people . She is the author of The People Manager ’ s Toolkit : A Practical guide to getting the best from people ( Wiley ) and the host of Ticker TV ’ s Black Belt Leader .
For example , when relationships become strained , avoiding or ‘ tip toeing ’ around the issue does nothing to improve the situation and holds us back from moving forward . Sitting back and waiting for your manager to give you the feedback you need and want holds you back from growing in your role or getting ahead in your career . Being hesitant to speak up when you believe you are being underpaid will stand in the way of you earning what you deserve .
Understand why conversations are difficult Improving your ability to confront and deal with difficult conversations starts with learning more about you . For example , recognizing the types of conversations that make you feel especially uncomfortable and why , is key to overcoming internal barriers that stand in your way .
How you think and feel about the conversation is a key influencer of the approach you take , and ultimately the impact you have on the outcome . Fears about how we will be perceived , or how either we or other people may feel are common reasons for avoiding the conversation .
Reframe the conversation Deciding a conversation will be a difficult one , before its even begun , is one sure way to make it just that : difficult . How often have you assumed a conversation would be more challenging than it turned out to be ? Have you experienced avoiding a conversation , only to find when you did pluck up the courage it wasn ’ t so bad after all ?
Reframing the conversation starts with shifting your focus to the benefits that can be realized . Recognize how speaking up and engaging in constructive dialogue can help you to create the outcomes you want . For example , will raising your concerns with your partner about their irritating habit give them a chance to better understand their impact on you , and do something about it ?
If you choose to go into that conversation with a combative mindset , you may be tempted to accuse the other person of being inconsiderate or even selfish . Making statements that are accusing or intended to shame the other person will inevitably lead to conflict .
Most human beings will defend themselves when they feel blamed or under attack . Avoid personal attacks by focusing on sharing insights to how you are feeling and what your needs are . For example , rather than saying “ You hurt my feelings ” rephrase that to “ My feelings were hurt ”.
When preparing for the conversation , ask yourself — how can I be entirely honest while at the same time being respectful ? Spend some time reflecting on the nature of the other person and how their character or circumstances may influence their approach to the conversation . Be prepared to tailor your own style to optimise the likelihood of the other person being receptive to healthy dialogue .
Manage you in the moment Regardless of how well you plan , the truth is you have no way of knowing precisely how things will pan out . No matter how much you shift your thinking , you may still feel a degree of emotional angst when the moment comes to start the conversation .
Being comfortable with this discomfort is a powerful way of maintaining emotional control and composure . Our unconscious desire to flee from or fight our way out of emotionally uncomfortable situations is likely to impact how you respond . Observe the influence adrenaline is having on your mind and body and accept it as natural , and then ignore it !
Breath . It ’ s common for people to hold their breath when in stressful situations . The problem is our capacity to think clearly and respond effectively is undermined . A recent study found that by simply focusing on our breathing , ECG activity in the regions of our brain related to emotion , memory and awareness become more organised .
Slow down and take time to think if you need to . Feeling under pressure to respond , particularly when the other person is attacking , can cause us to say things we might not otherwise . If necessary , ask for a ‘ time out ’ and regroup when you feel more able to proceed constructively .
Keep the conversation on track but also avoid the all too common mistake of rushing through so everyone can escape the discomfort they feel . Stay in the conversation with an open mind and the courage to be vulnerable .
Healthy dialogue is more likely to be maintained when both parties choose to listen to understand . As author Stephen Covey famously said , “ Most people do not listen with the intent to understand ; they listen with the intent to reply ”.
As challenging as it can be in the moment , avoid slipping into debate by looking for ways to win an argument . Rather than thinking about what you want to say next focus on what the other person is saying and how they are feeling . With empathy and understanding you are entirely more likely to keep the conversation healthy and productive .
Always remember , you only have the power to control what you bring to the conversation . While your approach can influence other people , each of us will respond in ways that reflect our own perceptions of reality and the emotions we feel . The best you can do is adopt an approach that is both honest and respectful . S
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Summer Issue 2021 | Executive PA 59