DEVELOPMENT
How to stop your
inner critics from
taking over
Everyone has a voice in their head saying
they’re not good enough. It’s time we learnt
why those inner critics exist and what to do
about them says Megumi Miki
THE EXPERT
Megumi Miki is a
leadership and culture
specialist and founder
of Quietly Powerful.
Megumi helps
individuals, leaders and
organisations to unlock
their hidden potential.
She is the Author of
Quietly Powerful: How
your quiet nature is
your hidden leadership
strength and Start
Inspiring, Stop Driving:
Unlock your team’s
potential to outperform
and grow.
American psychotherapist Carl Rogers, observed
a kind of ‘conditional positive regard’—a more
critical view of oneself—in therapy patients.
According to Rogers, this self critical view stopped
children from working toward ideals and led to
excessive approval seeking in adulthood. In the
past decade, scientific research revealed strong
correlations between negative self-talk and
psychopathologies such as depression, social and
performance anxiety, aggression, perfectionism,
eating disorders and self-harm.
Have your inner critics ever taken you to dark
places you don’t want to be, where you feel
anxious, afraid and small? Or to places where you
feel frustrated with yourself or belittle yourself so
much that you can’t meet your expectations?
Some of you may have these inner critics taking
over regularly, others of you only sometimes.
When they do take over, though, it’s difficult to
take back control. When inner critics take over, you
might notice that:
You hold yourself back and stay in your comfort
zones. You talk yourself out of doing something
new, different or unusual, saying things like
“that’s not me,” “I can’t,” or “I shouldn’t.”
w You are overly critical of yourself. Others tell
w
52 Chief of Staff | Issue 1 2020
you that you are doing well and you still put
yourself down.
w You find it difficult to receive praise. You find
ways to deflect acknowledgement—that it wasn’t
just you, that you were lucky, that it wasn’t a big
deal.
w You don’t own your strengths and feel
ashamed of your weaknesses.
w You compare yourself to others and work too
hard to fit in.
w You create reasons why you don’t or won’t
succeed.
w You have perfectionist tendencies. You don’t
share your ideas or complete tasks because there’s
always more to fix.
w You worry too much about what others
think. You fear being seen as incompetent, feel
embarrassed or exposed.
So, what can we do about these inner critics?
Most importantly, suppressing or trying to ignore
these voices is the least helpful strategy, according
to many psychologists. What is more helpful is to
take them off the driver’s seat and keep them in
the passenger seat by:
Becoming aware of these inner critics. When
we are not aware of these voices, they are in the
driver’s seat and we don’t even realise that we are
been driven around by them.
w Remembering that these inner critics are
originally not yours. You didn’t have them
when you were a toddler. They were installed
through conditioning at home, school, religious
institutions and society such as to “be a good
girl,” “don’t do anything risky,” “don’t show
off.” These messages turn into inner critics such
as “you can’t do xx,” “you’re bragging, too
bossy,” “you’re not good enough.”
w Listening to them from a distance, as if you’re
listening to a teenager in the passenger seat. For
some of the inner critics, the content is actually
useful even if the delivery is poor. Others are
exaggerated or unfounded.
w Having a conversation with the inner critic
passenger. Ask questions such as “what makes
you say that?” “What evidence do you have?” Or
request that they give you advice rather than be so
critical.
w Adopt the approach ‘feel the fear and do it
anyway.’ Acknowledge that the inner critics are
fearful, listen to what’s useful, then do what you
need to do anyway.
w
Many of our inner critics have resided with us
for a long time, so they won’t go away so easily.
But what you can do is reduce their power by
bumping them off the driver’s seat altogether. S
www.megumimiki.com