Men are biologically wired as providers and protectors. It’ s not that their relationships aren’ t( as) important to them; it’ s just that they show it in different ways— by working hard, establishing their careers, etc.
These differences make relationships somewhat interesting: if both of you focused on‘ connection’ at the same time you’ d feel blissfully happy with each other, but nothing would get done. Equally, if you are both primarily focused on significance, then you’ d have financial success, but you’ d have little in the way of intimacy.
Recognise your differences. Embrace those differences. Appreciate what you both bring to your relationship( and don’ t forget to tell each other of your appreciation). Allowing each other to embrace who he / she is and celebrating that will do the best job to increase the intimacy and understanding in your relationship.
If you’ ve been cheated on: what you need to tell your new partner
i. To you, communication is everything When you’ ve had someone deceive you, it makes you need to know what’ s going on and communicate about everything. The only way for him to have a healthy relationship with you is to show you that he will not hide things from you or lie to you. Your instinct will probably be to hide behind walls and protect yourself. But there’ s no way to heal and move forward without you doing the opposite. He’ ll need to help bring that out of you, and that might take some time. But you’ ll be forever thankful for it.
ii. Trust is a privilege – not a right You aren’ t going to trust him right away – that’ s just a simple fact. And it’ s not meant to be insulting. When your trust has been broken you’ re not very willing to simply give it away again. Trust takes time. But it will come.
iii. His calling you‘ crazy’ or‘ paranoid’ is deeply degrading There are fears that come after being cheated on that are exceptionally difficult to forget and shake. There will be times where they show themselves and – no, they’ re not pretty. But his belittling them won’ t make them disappear; it will simply make them worse. His not taking your fears seriously and making you feel foolish for having them will just create additional worries and keep you inside your own head. Even when you’ re being irrational, or it seems like you’ re being unfair, he should listen. He should make you feel heard. He should reassure you.
You might well ask yourself:“ How can I change him? How can I make him more involved in our relationship?” My answer is:“ You shouldn’ t – so don’ t even bother trying.
The simple fact is that men and women are different.
Men and women tend to have different benefits in relationships. However, they are both interested in intimacy. Young adult women tend to focus typically on their need for‘ connection’. This manifests in having children, creating homes, and nurturing their intimate relationships. This is not to say that women don’ t have( or want) careers. Some do, but most prioritise their‘ connecting’ activities. Generally speaking, emotionally unhappy women don’ t function optimally in any environment.
Most young adult males focus on their need for significance. They’ re interested in making their way in the world and having an impact. This is not to say they don’ t have relationships, start families, and create homes. They do, but their priority is typically focused on work. But, generally, they view their careers as something that can help their families to improve their lot. To be sure there is some ego built in to this need. Yet it is an ego designed not for themselves, but for their families’ improvements. To a large extent this is how men demonstrate their care and love for their partners( and children, i. e. families).
This dynamic tends to shift in middle age as the children leave home. Women believe they’ ve invested and sacrificed for their families and now it’ s their turns. They go( back) to university, change careers or develop their own businesses. At this same stage of life, men realise their children are gone and they have missed a lot. They’ re tired of the rat race and many feel ready for an enhanced‘ connection’. So, in a lot of ways, men and women flip roles.( A similar rolereversal takes place sexually at this approximate time. Women’ s sexual needs skyrocket while their men’ s gradually decreases).
Ewya July 2016- 17