Men are biologically wired as providers and protectors . It ’ s not that their relationships aren ’ t ( as ) important to them ; it ’ s just that they show it in different ways — by working hard , establishing their careers , etc .
These differences make relationships somewhat interesting : if both of you focused on ‘ connection ’ at the same time you ’ d feel blissfully happy with each other , but nothing would get done . Equally , if you are both primarily focused on significance , then you ’ d have financial success , but you ’ d have little in the way of intimacy .
Recognise your differences . Embrace those differences . Appreciate what you both bring to your relationship ( and don ’ t forget to tell each other of your appreciation ). Allowing each other to embrace who he / she is and celebrating that will do the best job to increase the intimacy and understanding in your relationship .
If you ’ ve been cheated on : what you need to tell your new partner
i . To you , communication is everything When you ’ ve had someone deceive you , it makes you need to know what ’ s going on and communicate about everything . The only way for him to have a healthy relationship with you is to show you that he will not hide things from you or lie to you . Your instinct will probably be to hide behind walls and protect yourself . But there ’ s no way to heal and move forward without you doing the opposite . He ’ ll need to help bring that out of you , and that might take some time . But you ’ ll be forever thankful for it .
ii . Trust is a privilege – not a right You aren ’ t going to trust him right away – that ’ s just a simple fact . And it ’ s not meant to be insulting . When your trust has been broken you ’ re not very willing to simply give it away again . Trust takes time . But it will come .
iii . His calling you ‘ crazy ’ or ‘ paranoid ’ is deeply degrading There are fears that come after being cheated on that are exceptionally difficult to forget and shake . There will be times where they show themselves and – no , they ’ re not pretty . But his belittling them won ’ t make them disappear ; it will simply make them worse . His not taking your fears seriously and making you feel foolish for having them will just create additional worries and keep you inside your own head . Even when you ’ re being irrational , or it seems like you ’ re being unfair , he should listen . He should make you feel heard . He should reassure you .
You might well ask yourself : “ How can I change him ? How can I make him more involved in our relationship ?” My answer is : “ You shouldn ’ t – so don ’ t even bother trying .
The simple fact is that men and women are different .
Men and women tend to have different benefits in relationships . However , they are both interested in intimacy . Young adult women tend to focus typically on their need for ‘ connection ’. This manifests in having children , creating homes , and nurturing their intimate relationships . This is not to say that women don ’ t have ( or want ) careers . Some do , but most prioritise their ‘ connecting ’ activities . Generally speaking , emotionally unhappy women don ’ t function optimally in any environment .
Most young adult males focus on their need for significance . They ’ re interested in making their way in the world and having an impact . This is not to say they don ’ t have relationships , start families , and create homes . They do , but their priority is typically focused on work . But , generally , they view their careers as something that can help their families to improve their lot . To be sure there is some ego built in to this need . Yet it is an ego designed not for themselves , but for their families ’ improvements . To a large extent this is how men demonstrate their care and love for their partners ( and children , i . e . families ).
This dynamic tends to shift in middle age as the children leave home . Women believe they ’ ve invested and sacrificed for their families and now it ’ s their turns . They go ( back ) to university , change careers or develop their own businesses . At this same stage of life , men realise their children are gone and they have missed a lot . They ’ re tired of the rat race and many feel ready for an enhanced ‘ connection ’. So , in a lot of ways , men and women flip roles . ( A similar rolereversal takes place sexually at this approximate time . Women ’ s sexual needs skyrocket while their men ’ s gradually decreases ).
Ewya July 2016 - 17